Every year, I tune in to the scream awards, just because I like watching all the little ants in Hollywood make what is essentially a macaroni-art awards ceremony. 'Look what I did at school mom!' Well, this year is definitly one for the fridge, right next to my B- in earth science.
The actual ceremony happened yesterday, and it's airing on Tuesday, and I don't think I'm going to tune in after I read the results. Be warned, this is a spoiler- I'm going to name winners here, so if you're one of those guys who simply hangs on the edge of your seat during the scream awards, go fuck yourself.
I'll just dive right in.
They gave best villain to Mickey Rourke. He was up against DIETER LASER (Human Centipede). Seriously? A guy with electric whips is more horrifying than a guy who stitches your face to someones ass? Don't get me wrong, Iron Man 2 is a pretty solid movie (pun intended), but Laser is a much better villain. I just assumed that went without saying.
Ok- here's some more bullpoop. The nominees for best horror film were Thirst, Paranormal Activity, Nightmare on Elm Street, Zombieland, and the Crazies. When I saw the nominees I was pretty surprised to see that Zombieland was even in the horror category because the movie is a comedy, but I was astonished to see that it won. I'm baffled. Why? I love Zombieland, but why not give that award to a movie that is genre defining and original, like Paranormal Activity? What a pisser.
They gave best fantasy actress to Kristin Stewart. She was up against 2 oscar nominees and the girl from Alice in Wonderland and I was so shocked when I read she won that I cut myself. Kristin Stewart is a blob. She is a blob with no brain. People call her a one-track actress, but that implies that she has at least one emotion, and that is incorrect. She has no emotion. I am honestly baffled that Stewart hasn't collapsed into a black hole yet because she is that devoid of humanity. When she gets in front of a camera you'll notice an awful lot of light around her, and that's because she's so awful that not even light can escape her abyssal plain.
I used to watch True Blood but I can't really get into it anymore. I like it, sure, but this award ceremony made me feel a little pissy towards it. Not like these awards matter in the least bit- it's the principal of the thing. Case in point- my ultimate grudge- Anna Paquin won an award over Charlotte Gainsbourg. Ok- True Blood is alright, but it's a tv show. I'm confused, what is subject for entry for the scream awards? Can I upload a video of my blowing my brains out and get something posthumously? That's honestly how I feel after reading that somebody won an award over Charlotte Gainsbourg. If you don't know how I feel about her, read my review of Antichrist. I can't get into it because I'll veer way off topic. It's a travesty. That woman deserves the Nobel peace prize.
Like I said, these awards mean nothing, it just gets my goat that those a-holes over at Spike exploit everything that makes an award ceremony respectable. I don't have the link, but the opening video for the awards is a shot-for-shot remake of the Back to the Future trailer, which is ok I guess because BttF turned 25 this year, but it had the modern day Michael J Fox in it, and it was just saddening to see him be used like that, shaking all over the place, I don't know. It just didn't feel right. It was like watching a childrens beauty pageant.
Yeah. So don't watch the scream awards. Or do. I don't care. I'm not your mother.