Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Cinemeration is as Cinemeration Does

These 'movies', as it is sometimes called, are listed here. To be sure, a thing that is held close to the warm and pulsating bosom of Cinemeration is something to be treasured, not unlike a child, but very unlike a dog, or a 'canis familiaris', for you Latin lovers.
Frankly, this year has held some exuberant and surreptitious (or, if you're fond of candied sweets, 'syrup-ticious') films that were veiled by the dread hood of 'the independent vein'. No moving picture-goer should have to familiarize himself with the realm of the hipster! 
Not. At. All.
This is the time of year that calls for reflection and paying respect towards what made these 12 months so special. So buckle your seatbelt, you son of a bitch, because we're about to do some hard-core reflecting, asshole.
Quite so!
Trust me on this one- I'm not a fan of inter-racial relationships the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. I don't think that ceremony does anything else other than act as Sean Penn's Livejournal.
That being said, it's a game. The Oscars mean one thing- money. Obviously, but hey, people want Oscars. They give your movie a lot of attention. It's the attention game. There's a big group of children (hopeful oscar contenders) in front a big auditorium. Whoever raises his hand the highest and makes himself stick out the most will get picked to go up on stage. When they're on stage, they're given a pat on the back, or some candy, or something (a nomination). And the other kids pretend to be happy and applaud their classmates but all they're really doing is plotting how to get noticed more effectively next time. 
This doesn't necessarily apply to what I wanted to say about Black Swan. 
I didn't do a full on review of Black Swan because I don't really know what to say about it. It's really good, with excellent camera work and spot on direction. However, it's being tossed into the chaos that is the movies that came out this year, and I don't think it will get the attention it deserves. 
Ok, here it comes.
FACK YOU Black Swan. Stupid fucking limited release. I'm referencing both the theatrical run of the movie and how long I had to wait to finally masturbate to it. Here's the thing about Black Swan, and I guess about Natalie Portman in general. I'm in love with it. No, seriously. Black Swan really does it for me. I'm in love with Natalie Portman in a creepy way, and there's nothing she or I (or you, for that matter) can do about it. I want to be a stuffed animal in her room (no, I don't want to be a teddy bear just so I can get hugs) just so I can watch her. I'm thinking about how to effectively stalk her in a way that slightly resembles romantic comedy but at the same time screams romantic comedy. You know, not like dark alley nervous look start walking faster fog, you know, more like open air mall hiding behind sunglass rack picking out flowers accidently tripping over dachshund bright sunny day happily ever after type deal. 
Why, might you ask? 'Why?' I ask myself. She's too damn precious. And here's the kicker! She got knocked up by her choreographer! Whatever happened to not shitting where you ballet-dance, Natalie Portman? Come on, NP, he's probably a slimy frenchman who wants nothing more than to bring you down. Sure, get engaged, go ahead. I'll be there. And I won't let you be given away.
It's a very pretty and delicate movie, pretty much consistently. It's really well put together. Very neat use of camera contraptions and editing machines. Sure, she goes through some kind of spastic freako tranmorgification, but she's always going to be a sweet girl...shit. And now she's doing some kind of comedy thing with Ashton that looks terrible. It's bad enough he's in Nikon commercials and tweets more than the caged bird. 

Inception is a really cool movie and will be embraced as such. Christopher Nolan does a great job, but in terms of competing, what counts more- improving upon contemporary style, or utilizing more modern techniques? What does something like the Academy (a shithouse) hold more dearly? Who cares? 
Anybody see The Town? Pretty fackin hahd movie. The Town would put all other competition in its REAHVIEW had it come out in some different year. Ben Affleck is a repulsive monster but when he directs a movie, he directs a movie. He just picked the wrong year to direct the movie. "Fuck you,' he might say in response.
True Grit was balls, and Jeff Bridges was the Dude in chaps. Not a lot of chicks in that movie.
What else?
I already talked about how awesome The Fighter was, and check this out- it doesn't really matter to a patron like you, assuming you haven't seen the movie, but Mark Wahlberg got a golden globe nomination. I have no idea why. Just wanted to put it out there. Does he have a dog?
I plan on seeing Kings Speech sometime soon. It looks awesome and is supposed to be feeeeee-nomenal. BRRRRAAAAHHHMMMM

This year has been awesome. Fiftieth time I've said that. I've still got places to go, movies to see, Cinemerations to Cinemerate, so I bid you adieu. 

Take a look at this shit-

Here is some more pictures.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Review: The Fighter

The Fighter is a really cool movie. That's the only way to describe it. I mean, that's a lot to be said about a movie about boxing starring Mark Wahlberg called 'The Fighter' set in Massachusetts. I don't know what I expected, going into that movie, but what I got out of it was not anything close to whatever I expected.
At first, you don't know what kind of genre it's going for. It opens up with a talking head type interview with Bale, so you think it's going to be a documentary-style type deal, but then you start seeing the cameras that are filming the doc and the people doing the interview so your expectations change. It isn't until the title shot that you see what you're in for. The Fighter is a movie documenting real life in a manner similar to a gritty documentary, but captures something in people that is unattainable by way of a documentary: it shows you what going on outside of the documentary and how the people react to it. Obviously, this isn't the entire movie. It's a boxing movie, clearly, and 'the best one I've ever seen. The scenes are classical in their presentation, effortless in their preparation, and decisive in their delivery.
Mark Wahlberg does his part. He's born into a family with, like, 8 sisters that act, as my brother eloquently put it, a 'Greek chorus of Massholes'. Wahlberg downy really do authoring outstanding in the movie other than act of the impedice of the supporting characters conflict. The real story lies with the supporting arc, which is a rare find in today's cinema. Amy Adams is his love interest that fights for him as well as for herself. She's a college dropout searching for something, someone, and the viewer is lost in her journey of self discovery, Melissa Leo plays the spiteful, venomous mother who treats her children like a bear would treat her cubs. Shea really awesome and it's sad that her performance nay be overlooked in the long run. I say overlooked because Christian Bale is by far the best part of the movie. He plays a crack addict who believes that the documentary crew that follows him around is documenting his comeback into the boxing scene, instead of his crack addiction. Ok, here it comes, I'm going to say it- Bale gives a knockout performance. Bam. There it is. This movie is Oscar gold, and would be more bankable had it been released earlier in the decade, where it won't be outshined by the other amazing films that will cast a shadow over it. This movie will not win best picture or best director but that doesn't mean it doesn't deserve attention and respect. It's a really, really great movie that has a specific arc that is easy and fun to follow. It's fun to watch, and that's hard to say about most sports movies.
Anyway, best picture aside, Bale is going to get an Oscar. That's just the bottom line. See the movie, and you'll know right away that this is his movie.
Ok, specifically, the movies cinematography is what makes it so watchable. It's just some guys with a camera enjoying what they're doing. You can tell they care about what they're filming. Very delicate, intensive, character driven, very bankable. Deeeeelicious! And good for you too.
So what is there not to like about this movie...not a lot. I guess the movie draws thin around the end. A bunch of critics have said that the movie 'just ends', but whatever. It is what it is, and it is great. See it in theatres.

I award The Fighter four out of four squirts.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Spielberg, Lucas, Indy, Cinemeration.

They're making another Indiana Jones movie, working title 'Indy 500: a day at the races', but that's old news. New news is that Spielberg is killing off Indiana jones at some point during the movie. 'lolwut?', I pondered. To what need? To what...end? End? Bend? Send? Pretend? That's it...pretend. Pretenderific, as it where. Where am I?
Anyhow, Indiana Jones.
Indiana Jones is a benchpost of American cinema, and of movies about heroes in general. Friendly, wholesome, good for the whole family tree. Action packed but totally sensical. Phantasmagoric. Rich with flavor, packed with fiber. Raiders got a best picture nom (nom nom nom), and Sean Connery originally didn't want to play Henry Jones, Sr., because he is only 12 years older than Harrison Ford and did not think it would look realistic. 'you're an old codger, you're doing it,' Lucas most likely proclaimed. Speaking of, I like how the film industry treats Connery as a cinematic icon that died 15 years ago when he is in fact living life to the fullest in the south of France with beautiful women fanning him with palms in his vineyard that he probably owns slaves on. True story, as a point of fact.
Now that I've touched on Lucas, here's the rub- the reason I'm not upset is two-fold. I'm not upset that they're making another Indy nor am I upset that they plan to kill him off for one reason (ok, so it's one-fold)- Spielberg insisted on both. Sure, Lucas will hop on board the gravy train that he calls the Indiana jones franchise, but Spielberg has his own plans. See, it was Lucas who wanted to do more indys. He of course got Spielberg to direct and even though he (Spielberg) had a good idea for the movie (something about a haunted house, anything is better than aliens), Lucas thought it would be a good idea to have Shia swing around on vines and aliens create a new niagara falls. Spielberg did it for one reason- he cares about Indiana jones and he cares what happens to the franchise he had a hand an foot in creating. Lucas wants attention and fame, and any press is bad press.
Lucas has no penis and is a woman. It needs to be said. The guy thought up star wars, whoop de doo. He's an idiot savant. He's the dude who made the star wars universe but dig this- he thinks empire strikes back is the worst in the series and forobviousreasons- he didn't direct it. He insisted on the happy ending for return of the Jedi because he didn't want merchandise sales to drop (in the original ending Han solo gets killed, the alliance is in tatters and the empire is recovering quickly, with Luke walking off like the lone cowboy. This is the guy who made the prequel movies kid friendly. This is the guy who cast Hayden Christiansen as anakin skywalker. This is the guy who decided to reboot the Indiana jones franchise because he thought he could squeeze more money and attention from it. The movie isn't horrible, but it is undoubtedly the worst in the franchise, and now he's making another one. That's the thing with Lucas- he gets what he wants. But Spielberg hashed creative control than he thinks- and he is doing the right thing by killing off Indiana jones. He's cutting the cord permanently- sure, Lucas, take Shia labauf. Make a new franchise. But Indiana jones is mine and will always be mine. Sure, whatever, Lucas had a big hand in making him what Indy is, but he is surely also destroying him from the inside. He's not good for the franchise, and everybody knows it. See, everybody in the film community hates Lucas the same way the scientific community hated Edison- Edison didn't invent the light bulb- a think rant did. Edison had the idea- let's make light, but other people made it happen. The same thing happened with industrial light and magic- Lucas had the idea of the star wars plan, but hundreds of technicians made it possible. It's total McCarthyism- you can't say anything about Lucas because he has so much clout. You can't tear down Lucas? He eventually collapses upon himself, in good time. He'll one day meet his end, and I feel that day coming soon. Very soon. Hopefully soon. Noon. Toon. Dubloon. Dublin. The united kingdom. Good morning!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom


So the Hollywood Foreign Press is at it again with these Golden Globe nominations, which included Johnny Depp, twice, one for dancing like he's on magic cocaine, and another for trying not to stare at Angelina Jolies tattoos.
 The kings speech is up for sebbin globes, and is up against inception, black swan and social network for BP-D. As for Best Picture Comedy, that's a laugh in and of itself. Kids are all right is going to have to hold its ground against Burlesque and Alice in Wonderland, with The Tourist trailing close behind. As a walrus friend of mine once said, 'stop following me there's a fine line between something being good and deserving of awards and the HFP needing to suck as much juice out of the cesspool of Hollywood as they can.' Obviously there weren't as many good Comedies/ Musicals as there were Dramas this year, because as I said, this has been an all around bankable year. BP-D is going to be a very very close race, because everything looks awesome. My desire is for Social Network to win everything, but it has some competition. Social Network was by far the best movie of the year, but the HFP has dicks to suck, so we'll have to see. Did that rhyme? No, no it did not. Nat Port just may win best actress just because she's all 'up in coming' and whatnot, but it will be close with Jennifer Lawrence and Nicole Kidman. I would have sex with all three of these women except for Nicole Kidman. I'd be afraid she'd hurt me. I want either Jesse Eisenberg or Franco to win best actor but they're up against Colin Firth who will probably win, so that's going to be close too.
I want to just watch an award ceremony and enjoy it, and I have a feeling I will enjoy watching the Globes but not enjoy the outcomes. It's kind of like going to the zoo- you want to see the animals, but in the end, all you did was stare at animals all day and you probably need to pee.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Review: 127 Hours

It's been a great year for movies. Daybreakers, The Crazies, Human Centipede, Iron Man 2, Toy Story 3, Splice, Winters Bone, Predators, Get Low, The Other Guys, Scott Pilgrim, Last Exorcism, Social Network, we've still got Tron and True Grit to look forward to, not to mention Black Swan, whenever it decides to be available to humans, all in all a good year, and 127 Hours is a welcome addition to what made 2010 so awesome.
I've seen most of Danny Boyle's movies, I think. Like, 28 Days Later is pretty awesome (you can't go wrong with Cilian Murphy and Brendan Gleeson),28 Weeks Later was slightly lacking but nonetheless fairly entertaining, and I've seen Sunshine, which is sweet, I saw Slumdog which I didn't really like although I can appreciate all the effort that went into it (especially how afterwards they threw those Indian kids back into their respective ghettos), and I haven't seen The Beach but I hear tell that Leo is in it.
Alex Garland wrote 28 Days, Sunshine, and The Beach, so I'm sure The Beach has to be at least a little entertaining. Even if it was a full-length prequel to Inception where it was just Leonardo DiCaprio waiting for Saito's men to pick him up on the shore of his subconscious.
Back on point.
Going off of just the marketing they had for the movie, 127 Hours had every right to be just awful. It has a simple plot and everybody knows the ending. Sure, a guy gets stuck in a canyon and nobody comes to save him so he has to cut his arm off (I'm not ruining anything, trust me). But 127 Hours accomplishes something extraordinary- it captures every moment of this mans struggle to survive and puts you not only in the same position as he, but in the same psyche.
I'll just start with the direction, I suppose.
Boyle is definitely getting a nod for his direction, the question is will he win, and I think he has a very good chance. The movie is very purposeful; there is no hesitation. The story this movie is based on is incredible, but just from a humble Cinemerators standpoint, I would think this movie would be impossible to make in todays world of movie making (I'm garrulous, what can I say). The reason I say this is because I don't have much faith, but Danny Boyle has humbled me in a way that's hard to express. He knew exactly what he was doing. He knew precisely how to make this movie and he did it. You can tell- the movie is as confident as the protagonist, and just as vulnerable.
The cinematography is also impressive, but how could it not be? The setting of this movie is in Canyon lands, which is one of the most beautiful and not to mention isolated places in the world. It's about capturing something that people never see, and also capturing those who live inside it. The canyon is alive, that much is certain. It is a living, breathing organism, and the camera soaks up every moment of light that is shed on it. Perspective, scope, all play a huge part- you feel for Aron in a way that makes you pity him- he knows he's trapped and nobody will find him, but you don't really fully understand his situation until the camera pans all the way up to show you just exactly how fucked he is.
The movie is very Danny Boyle and you can tell right off the bat. The editing makes the movie plead, which I don't necessarily like. Let me explain. There are several sequences that try to impress on you the gravity of population density- thus setting up a nice contrast with the isolation felt by Aron. But this also does something else- it makes the movie feel like a commercial for vegan food, if that makes sense. Very earthy, very grounded, very healthy. Clean, is the word. But this just makes me feel dirty in a way. It makes me feel like I'm not doing 'my part'. I'm not 'independent' enough to get this movie. This is an exaggeration. I love independent films but sometimes watching them is like talking to a person who complains about paying too much for their car and gas and everything is just such a hassle and I'm just not having a good day, want some chai tea I'm on a rant, and this is not good. What I'm trying to say is this- bottom line, the movie has a solid tone throughout, and that is something to be respected.
Ok, Franco. I have always like Jimmy Franc, and I knew this day would come. He's getting nominated, there's no doubt about that. There is just s000 much going on with Danny Boyle right now especially after Slumdog that there's no way this movie won't get a hundred nominations. It's just too easy to market to the Academy. But that's not to say it doesn't deserve them, because it does, especially for Franco. This dude makes the movie so entertaining. His don't know what to think of him at first. At first I thought 'Ok, this guy is asking for it', and that's exactly what I was supposed to think. Oops. Oops. My favorite line of the movie- 'Oops'. You end up sympathizing with him for his struggle in a hundred different ways. Everything he feels, you feel. See, this is all natural movie making. What 3D tries to shove in your face this movie smashes with a boulder. He's just such a likable actor you can't help but be wrapped up in his predicament.
There's a lot to say about this movie and that's what makes it good. I mean, sure, you can say that about any movie, but this one is different simply because I didn't think anything way going to happen. I honestly wasn't planning on reviewing this, but there is just so much to talk about. I'm going to go back and add more on later, but for now, please- see this movie. Totally worth the ticket price. It may be 'too independent' for some people but please, do the right thang and get an opinion before just labeling it as independent shlock.

I award 127 Hours 3 and one half out of 4 squirts

Friday, December 3, 2010

Black Swan is being a f****** c***

Black Swan is being a fascist crap. All I want to do on a Friday night is see Natalie and Mila and Cassel get it on, Aronofsky style. Too much to ask? Apparently so, because it's not playing anywhere in the Pittsburgh area. I actually googled, and I NEVER google, what the deal was, and everybody else is apparently as confused as I am. It's just not playing here yet, which is so lame, but I know I shouldn't complain. I'm going to see it eventually. I was seriously planning on seeing it TO-NIGHT, but the stupid limited release it's on cramps my style. Why would it be a limited release? They put ivy all over the front of the poster but that means literally nothing. It's official selection for Venice and Sundance, so what? So was Sex and the City. I actually have no idea if Sex and the City was Sundance'd, I'm just trying to make a point. Point being, they're trying to make this movie appear more arthouse than it actually is. Oscar fever to be sure, but come on you greedy bastards. This movie would make so much money if it had a wider release. It probably has something to do with the fact that Rachel Weiz and Aronofsky split the scene, not that I blame her. As much as I like Aronofsky, he looks as if Christian Bale was beaten with an 'eh, I guess he's cute' stick and then sucked into the Viggo painting at the end of Ghostbusters 2. The Wrestler and Requiem for a Dream are some pretty sweet movies.
Anyway, I'm sick and tired of waiting around for Black Swan. Just...come out, please? I'll give you money. Money. Money...mon...[zzz]