Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Channing Tatum as Lando Lovelace or GTFO

There are some things about Hollywood that I love (explosions, David Fincher, breasts, to name a few) and, conversely, some things I do not love (Michael Bay, Jews).
Just kidding about that last part, I <3 Michael Bay.
And there are somethings I just cannot get enough of.
Q-How does this apply to anything I'm about to say?

A- It does not.
C- It does not.

Still, I am fascinated by the idea of Hollywood. I'm not huge on gossip columns or the like I'M LYING but I am huge on finding humor in everything. I am also huge in general. There is, indeed, something about the film industry that leads me to believe that the Jews control everything it's all a big joke. You go to a bad movie and it's HA! GOTCHA! Or if you go to a good movie and then its over. Everything that has a beggining has an end.
Which leads me to the dream I had last night.
Last night I dreamt about the end of western society. Or, more specifically, the moment the west became the north, east and south. The moment I dreamt of was the beggining of the end, the start of a dystopia that would ultimatly control and dominate the world at large. My father was talking to me before it all went down, saying how whatever happens, he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. It wasn't until after the insurrection that I realized he was part of it from the start. He had given himself a position of power in a seemingly nefarious empire. It wasn't until after I woke that I realized why he did what he did- he did what he did because he had to. He did what he did because...it was what needed to be done.
And this is where it gets exciting.
He took my family to a theatre, a way to get things back to the way they used to be, and I noticed something- there was only one movie playing everywhere. Well, two movies.
Those two movies were the rumored Matrix sequels.
That was when I woke up because I just couldn't take it anymore. COME ON. I dream of a dystopian future where my dad is in the gestapo and the only movies they want to see are the next two Matricies.
I'm mad at myself for apparently not being creative enough to have at least ONE badass dream.
Anyway, I found out today that the rumor Keanu was working with the Wachowskis (who are both Jews) to helm two 3D sequels to the Matrix was total farce.
BTW- see if you can spot any references to the matrix above- there are two.

Also, have you heard that they're already planning on releasing a TEASER FOR THE NEXT TRON OMFG? I mean sure, I thought tron was sweet but you can't just haphazardly dive into numero tres. Disney has finally realized that if you literally make a movie look cool and slather on special effects and put Jeff Bridges as the Cyberdude in charge of some alternate reality it'll make bank and garner a sequel. News to me.
My balls have quivered at this notion.

Oh and if you're wondering what the title has to do with this article, keep wondering.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Christopher Nolan Pulls a Wild Card!

It'd be a right foul cin'merator of me INdeed if I faile'd to cin'merate 'bout this here st'ory. 
Unless you're bin Laden, you've heard the most recent hubbub trailing around the internets at 500 interwebs per n00b: Christopher Nolan reveals another meager percentage of his cast for the next installment in his Batman movies.
Allegedly this will be the last of the Nolan movies, and I've heard that Aronofski is at the top of the list to pick it up after him, but for his sake I hope he doesn''t turn it into some kind of 'POV exravaganza', to use a word I've been known to use to describe something I can't describe.
The news...(spoken in Diane Krugers overtly sexual tone) is collosal. Anne Hathaway is catwoman and Tom Hardy is...dum dum duuuummmmm Bane. Bane....BAAAAANNNNEEEEE.
Now before I go any further I want to remind you all that Chirsopher Nolan has said, numerous times, that he didn't want to reuse any characters. Ahem...catwoman and bane are, needless to say, used. Not like there's anything wrong with that, I just think it might, on some level, be a cop out on Nolans part. Maybe he couldn't intelligently use fresh characters, but oh well. I'm not worried. The reason I'm not worried is that Nolan cast Maggie Gylenhaal (if there's one person in Hollywood who shouldn't be in movies ever its Maggie Gylenhaal. And then Kristen Stewart.) and still got away with it. Don't misunderstand, I think Hathaway has a great rack, I just don't want it to be like 'oh, catwoman is a drug addict' or 'oh, catwoman has cat-cancer' or 'oh, catwoman is the princess of Genovia' ('oh, catwoman is pregnant'). Like I said, I'm not worried because so far Nolan has been able to get away with a lot. Inception, for example, is the ideal example of a fucking awesome action movie with zero direction for the actors, and it works in the same way Kubricks movies worked. The director focuses on what's important for the movie, and the rest follows- albeit straggling. I would have preferred Marion Cotillard, who is a better, more seasoned actress with on-par breasts, as catwoman, but such is life.
Tom Hardy is the best choice for anything ever. I was getting used to the prospect of him as Dr. Strange, but Bane is just as good. I looked it up and apparently Bane isn't some kind of mindless henchman in the comics- I knew he broke Batmans back, but supposedly he's some kind of master criminal. Which is puuuuurrrrrfect. Bane is definitly a villain but I'm not quite sure what he'll do with Catwoman, because she was always back and forth with Wayne. Also, do we think Hardy is going to kill Bale? I don't think so. At all, actually. Although it has been going on the wire as a possibility. Time will tell...interwebs, away!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Movies to Watch OutFOR THAT TIRE

What's more terrifying than getting your head blown off? Getting your head blown off by a tire.
Magnolia Pictures is responsible for some pretty good movies (Worlds Fastest Indian, Color me Kubrick, The Great Buck Howard) and for some disgraceful pieces of trash that ain't fit to wipe the celluloid from my chest (World's Greatest Dad) (it's a real condition, ok?), and I'm not too keen on a company that distributed hippy shit like Food Inc (I LIKE cow urine in my apples, OK?), but Magnet releasing, which takes care of its off-the-track genre films, has since started churning out promising little nuggets, suck as this soon-to-be masterpiece, Rubber.

Apparently this is the second trailer for this movie and I say apparently with a snide tone of voice (watch your MOUTH) [beer bottle] [keep the change, you filthy animal].
What sounds better than a movie about a tire that comes to life and kills people. Is it supposed to be some kind of metaphorical retribution from something that we literally never pay more than a second of attention to? Some sort of...beattitudal homage? Is God to blame? All I know is that there's literally no way this is going to not be not not entertaining.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Breaking Dawn Summarized in one Picture

The Twilight franchise is not so easily packaged neatly into little tin cans of convenient phrases of summary. It's filled to the brim with a breakout of lesions all over my body performances, edge-of-your-seat to get the fuck out of the theatre camera work, cutting my wrist-edge direction, and visually stunning sequences that will blind you permanently.
Here is the picture to end all pictures, and let the mocking begin.

let's hope they drown

I don't understand how this picture is possible, because wouldn't it all just drain into Kristin Stewarts mouth? Just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you're also a vampire-fish.
Jimmy Cameron is actually suing this production for stealing his idea of filming shit underwater.

there is no second password!!!!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Jackass 3 Needs Your Support

Like my good friends over at FilmDrunk (who never seem to be available for some drinks or a game of monopoly of anything), I too am appalled I didn't recieve this personally.

It seems unreasonable, I know. Why would you leave the Cinemerator in the dust? Anyway, I've always been a big fan of 'For Your Consideration' accoutrement. A personal favorite [plays 'ssusudio' whilst banging two hookers].
I'm ashamed to admit it, but my dog might have contracted a venerial disease I've never gotten around to seeing Jackass 2, let alone 3. My memories of watching that beloved program at 2 in the morning (back when MTV had music) have yet to fade from my subconcious, however. Not to say they're becoming repressed memories. Hey, everybody's got problems, amirite? [banjo strum] [takes bite of apple]
Anyway [swallows], not like a give a hoot about the Oscars.
Check this out! Spidey 4 kissin by the bleachers!

moments after Garfield wipes his mouth 

All of my concerns about Stone dying her hair and Andrew Garfield pretending not to be embarrased by the homosexual undertones that are ever-present in the Spiderman storyline have been thrown to the wind, Zema water under the bridge. Emma Stone is two things- incredibly attractive, and my stalk-ee. Whether or not she is aware of these two facts is irrelevant.
I honestly don't know what to expect for this movie; all of the press releases have been unintentionally vague. I say 'unintentionally' because I don't think even they know where it's going. The only person who has the right to be vague in press releases is Christopher Nolan, and that's because people actually want to know what he does with his movies. Not to say there isn't considerable interest for Spidey 4, it's just, come on. Just tell us what the fuck is going on. There's supposed to be, like, 10 villains, or something. And Martin Sheen. wut?