Thursday, April 28, 2011

Review: The Roommate

Welcome to LA- where the sun rises 200 times faster than any other place in the world, and everyone looks up at the incredible buildings and how they reflect off of one another. A perfect day to start college, wouldn't you say? Enter Sarah Matthews, 30 18, straight off the boat from Des Moines, and ready to start her life as a freshman at the University of Los Angeles, a school where love coincides with each spiked cup of punch at every frat party on campus. Gracefully weaving between the ultimate frisbee players on the quad, she registers for her room and unpacks within the first 35 seconds. No waiting in lines for this run of the mill college beauty, no sir! During the next 90 seconds, she makes friends with the two hardiest party chicks on campus, gets wasty at a frat party, and becomes the love interest of the drummer of the band playing at the frat house- this guy:

Easy, baby. Let Ruffles McBrow soothe your roofie.

Yes, things are certainly looking up for Ms. Matthews, a design major holding the apple of the fashion teachers hugely metrosexual eye in the palm of her breast, this guy:

Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool guy..

Oh yeah. Billy Zane is in this movie and we haven't even passed the 5 minute mark yet. It isn't until we meet Sarah's roommate, an LA native who seems like she has something to hide. But Sarah is too wrapped up in her awesome first half hour of college to give two cares to anything like that. But her roommate is hiding something, a secret so deadly not even the fluffiest Billy Zane ascot can comprehend.
So yeah, I saw The Roommate. I'm not going to tell you what happens because I don't want any more goddam angry e-mails talking about how I'm spoiling movies. Normally I'd say that a movie like The Roommate is 'already spoiled' and thenhave a laugh and jump up and down and eat a slice of bonoffee pie (I've been in Europe too long), but this time it's different [dons shades] [gives dog matching shades].
I'm actually very surprised that The Roommate has a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, because by all rights, this movie really isn't that bad. Please, don't misunderstand, this isn't classic that wll be discussed and dissected by mangy film students for the next twenty-odd years, but I wasn't necessarily un-entertained. How can I deny ascot Billy Zane? Bitches goin' crazy up in this movie.
Granted, the characters are as developed as a kid with down syndrome’s brain, but that doesn’t make the movie any less entertaining. I think reviewers are too preoccupied with the ridiculous script and horrifyingly dull characters to realize that you don’t have to ‘like’ a character to enjoy watching them in turmoil. The idea of everything going wrong with this girl Sarah Matthews, a totally unrelatable chick who has literally everything makes me like this movie. You can’t relate to Sarah Matthews because she is living a totally overblown college life. Nobody makes friends that fast, nobody gets into classes that quickly, and NOBODY (myself very much included) EVER gets their room situation figured out that quickly. You don’t go up to the counter, say your name, and get your room. No. You wait in line for forty five minutes, wait as the girl from student services who sucks at her job to find your name, wander around the hall for an hour trying to find your room, and then get your room. But you don’t unpack yet, because you haven’t eaten in twelve hours because the process is taking so long, so you go find some food. You get lost, spend too much money, and by 10 oclock at night you maybe try to start unpacking but you’re too tired by then. Maybe I’m just a little vindictive when it comes to college life, but hey, I’m in college. Oh, and nobody takes a cab to their school. Bitch.  
Anyway one of the things I actually did like in this movie is the camera work. I have a feeling that cheesy horror movies like this tend to get whatever film school cinematographer recently hopped off the boat in LA to shoot their movie, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because film students tend to make decent pictures if you give them the chance. It’s ametueristic, to be certain, but it still has its charm.
Again, I really don’t know why this movie doesn’t have at least somewhere in the 30’s on rotten, because I have seen much much MUCH worse movies in my time with significantly higher aggregated scores. I honestly think it’s because reviews hate it even before they see it. I mean, PEOPLE liked this movie, and that’s obvious because it made twice as much as it took to make it.
I hereby bestow The Roommate 2 out of 4 squirts. Stay classy, Billy Zane.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Abduction trailer is mind-blowingly hilarious

My, I did indeed fan myself profusely after watching the release trailer for Abduction. First off, I must say that as a Pittsburgher from way back I need to impress the importance of Hollywood filming their new fangled teen-dream pictures in Pittsburgh. It's a pretty big dealthat Pittsburgh is getting all the attention, and it should get even more interesting after Dark Knight Rises completes principle photography in a thousand years. Pittsburgh is the originator of 'a good town'- it has everything. Buildings, people, three (count em', THREE!) rivers, a bustling business scene, and a strip club that Nick Nolte wole-heartedly reccomends. Yeah, it's a great place to hang your hat. As I briefly mentioned before, a by-product of Hollywood coming to Pittsburgh is the inevitable preliminary stage of shitty movies being made. Case in point- Abduction. I actually had the esteemed privelage to infiltrate visit the set and see if I could steal some of Taylor Lautner's blood sneak a peak on some of dat action, and got kicked out for carrying a camera. Also for infiltrating.
It's a pretty funny story as a matter of fact- it was being filmed in my best friends neighborhood, my old stomping ground called Virginia Manor, and after being totally thrown into a state of dissalusionment after being swept away into the great abyss of literally hundreds of tween-age girls, we decided to take the back way to his house, which turned out to be a big mistake because we were chased and eventually run down by three sec gurds and six (count em', SIX!) cops, so I never got my hands on any of the hearthrobs blood, but you know me, get right back on that horse.
Can you blame me? I hate Taylor Lautner with every fiber of my genius level brain and every cell of my son of the Gods sculpted forme, but I'm not about to miss out on some Sig Weave and Al Molina action. Needless to say I didn't see anybody except the tail end of a train of young ladies, but I'd do it again. And again. And again. And again.
Bottom line, folks- the trailer is absolutely not to be missed. It includes some treasures from action movie past, with such standards as...
'I've got something you need to see.'
'We've got 36 hours to find this kid.'
'Suddenly everyone around me is dying.'
'What's my real name!'
'Who are these people?!'
'They can't be trusted' (those two came right after each other)
'Not if I find you first...'
'You have something that belongs to me.'
And the ever classic-
'Trust me.'
Apart from being the worst actor who has ever been on screen, Taylor Lautner...Um...uh...oh, I learned how to take a screenshot so enjoy the following!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Spotted: Tarantino's Coke Wizard

A funny thing about Tarantino is the crowd he hangs out with. Tarantino's the kind of guy who only associates himself with people who are obsessed with him, and it really isn't that hard to find 400+ people who love Tarantino to work on one of his movies. The link coming up is pretty funny on its own- the woman who does the 'clapping' is a pretty stereotypical Tarantinite: vulgar, mid-thirties, coked up, and French. She's the kind of woman who everybody sees at one of Quentin's wrap parties, right next to the legendary white wizard of Tarantino. I was rambling through the internets when I came across the video, and shat myself when I saw the wizard. I hope you enjoy.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Melancholia is gonna school all a 'ya

Come, my worthy sheep, for the next exciting edition of ye olde Cinemeration.
[shoves sheep into oven] [rolls seeves up] [flips through Rolling Stone] [eats onion]
Now, as you all well know, I have a very special place in my penis heart for directors like Lars von Trier. I mean, the guy is totally insane, but that not exactly why I like him. It's mainly because he uses his insanity to his advantage.
Now, what do I mean by that? Well get ready, because I'm about to answer that question.
A little background on von Trier. Lars von Trier is an autuer, but enough of that gay crap. Back in '95 he became part of a filmmaking movement called Dogme 95.Dogme 95 layed down some rules for making movies. These were - rules to create filmmaking based on the traditional values of story, acting and theme, and excluding the use of elaborate special effects or technology. Essentially, it's a group of Danes, Swedes, and Frenchies that sit around a coffee table smoking French cigarettes discussing the various ways in which they could portray cutting off a chickens head in sepia tone while getting blown by whichever hipster chick with a Super 8 who thinks she can capture a life moment on film happens to be on call at the moment. Unfortunatly, the film community at large hasn't taken too kindly to Dogme 95, most likely due to the fact that what Dogme 95 calls artistic expression of hidden and malignant desire to discover the pain and majesty of death and suffering, everyone else in the world calls hardcore porn. Von Trier's an interesting guy, though. He suffers from a variety of phobias and have periodic depression, and apparently the only thing that doesn't make him want to throw a chair out the window and quickly follow it is makin' movies.
Another quick recap- von Trier directed Antichrist, which is one of my all time favorite movies, and I hate to say it, but I'm not kidding. I think it's a pretty sweet movie, and that brings me right the way back to why I like guys like von Trier- the dude goes completely suicidal and then makes a movie. Look at Apocalypse Now- directed by a guy who tried to off himself various times on set. I think there's something to be said about movies made by these kinds of people. And I think that something is Cinemeration. [fireworks] [fireworks land on Chinese pagoda] [fireworks]
Anyhow- big news. I was in Germany for five days doing none of your goddam business and I just got back today, and the first story I read swiftly lead me to blogger. I had no idea- von Trier directed a very Antichrist-y (I love when I get to use that adjective) movie that's coming to the states around the end of May called Melancholia, starring- wait for it...


That's right folks.
The story is basically ver muh like the central theme in Antichrist- Willem Defoe's penis depression. Kirsten Dunst has a fairytale wedding (OMG and Charlotte Gainsbourg is her sister pleeeeease lesbian scene) and then becomes all depressed in slow motion. Oh, and by the by, there's a planet on a crash course to Earth. Wait a minute- [flings cigar over shoulder] [spins bowtie] a PLANET, you say?! Consarnit, doesn't that just beat all. God, watch the trailer. Yes, you, GOD, watch the trailer. Might learn a few hings from this von Trier guy. Cinemeration forever.
[shaves cat]