Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Spielberg, Lucas, Indy, Cinemeration.

They're making another Indiana Jones movie, working title 'Indy 500: a day at the races', but that's old news. New news is that Spielberg is killing off Indiana jones at some point during the movie. 'lolwut?', I pondered. To what need? To what...end? End? Bend? Send? Pretend? That's it...pretend. Pretenderific, as it where. Where am I?
Anyhow, Indiana Jones.
Indiana Jones is a benchpost of American cinema, and of movies about heroes in general. Friendly, wholesome, good for the whole family tree. Action packed but totally sensical. Phantasmagoric. Rich with flavor, packed with fiber. Raiders got a best picture nom (nom nom nom), and Sean Connery originally didn't want to play Henry Jones, Sr., because he is only 12 years older than Harrison Ford and did not think it would look realistic. 'you're an old codger, you're doing it,' Lucas most likely proclaimed. Speaking of, I like how the film industry treats Connery as a cinematic icon that died 15 years ago when he is in fact living life to the fullest in the south of France with beautiful women fanning him with palms in his vineyard that he probably owns slaves on. True story, as a point of fact.
Now that I've touched on Lucas, here's the rub- the reason I'm not upset is two-fold. I'm not upset that they're making another Indy nor am I upset that they plan to kill him off for one reason (ok, so it's one-fold)- Spielberg insisted on both. Sure, Lucas will hop on board the gravy train that he calls the Indiana jones franchise, but Spielberg has his own plans. See, it was Lucas who wanted to do more indys. He of course got Spielberg to direct and even though he (Spielberg) had a good idea for the movie (something about a haunted house, anything is better than aliens), Lucas thought it would be a good idea to have Shia swing around on vines and aliens create a new niagara falls. Spielberg did it for one reason- he cares about Indiana jones and he cares what happens to the franchise he had a hand an foot in creating. Lucas wants attention and fame, and any press is bad press.
Lucas has no penis and is a woman. It needs to be said. The guy thought up star wars, whoop de doo. He's an idiot savant. He's the dude who made the star wars universe but dig this- he thinks empire strikes back is the worst in the series and forobviousreasons- he didn't direct it. He insisted on the happy ending for return of the Jedi because he didn't want merchandise sales to drop (in the original ending Han solo gets killed, the alliance is in tatters and the empire is recovering quickly, with Luke walking off like the lone cowboy. This is the guy who made the prequel movies kid friendly. This is the guy who cast Hayden Christiansen as anakin skywalker. This is the guy who decided to reboot the Indiana jones franchise because he thought he could squeeze more money and attention from it. The movie isn't horrible, but it is undoubtedly the worst in the franchise, and now he's making another one. That's the thing with Lucas- he gets what he wants. But Spielberg hashed creative control than he thinks- and he is doing the right thing by killing off Indiana jones. He's cutting the cord permanently- sure, Lucas, take Shia labauf. Make a new franchise. But Indiana jones is mine and will always be mine. Sure, whatever, Lucas had a big hand in making him what Indy is, but he is surely also destroying him from the inside. He's not good for the franchise, and everybody knows it. See, everybody in the film community hates Lucas the same way the scientific community hated Edison- Edison didn't invent the light bulb- a think rant did. Edison had the idea- let's make light, but other people made it happen. The same thing happened with industrial light and magic- Lucas had the idea of the star wars plan, but hundreds of technicians made it possible. It's total McCarthyism- you can't say anything about Lucas because he has so much clout. You can't tear down Lucas? He eventually collapses upon himself, in good time. He'll one day meet his end, and I feel that day coming soon. Very soon. Hopefully soon. Noon. Toon. Dubloon. Dublin. The united kingdom. Good morning!

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