Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Hahahahahaha, Michael Bay probably killed someone

Oh man, I hate Michael Bay. The shit he does for his movies...this is going to be a short post. I'm not on my iPhone, so you know, it's not going to be half as entertaining. Anyway, Bay o' Pigs is making another Transformers, duh. This one will be called 'Transformers 3- The Dark of the Moon'. I haven't read a plot synopsis nor do I plan to, but I think I can guess the plot.
A meteor is about to crash into Hawaii and Sean Connery and Shia Laboof have to break out of Alcatraz so they can tell the world that there is an organization of robots that clones human beings, at the same time trying to get an action shot and save the world from impending doom. In 3D.

Michael Bay is notorious for being a huge dick, and his movies are clear evidence of that.
*fun fact- two of his movies are in the Criterion Collection- The Rock and, brace yourself, Armageddon. The womans rationale for choosing Armageddon, part 1: '...the work of a cutting edge artist who is a master of  movement, light, color, and shape- and also of chaos, razzle-dazzle, and explosion.' Ok, I can buy that. The scene where Paris gets destroyed is, if you watch the special features, farking awesome. I get that. But she doesn't stop there. Part 2- 'The film makes these ordinary men noble, lifting their efforts up into an epic event.' Um...ok, I guess I see your point, but- Part 3- '...if that isn't screenwriting, I don't know what is.' Yikes. See, this is what you get for letting a woman make a mans decision. It's the Criterion collection, not an apple pie. That was rude. I apologize. I just get worked up about Criterion stuff. I mean, it's an honor for arthouse films, not big budget Hollywood garble. Screenwriting at it's finest? I think the shadow Bay casts over his movies leaves everything in the dark.
Anyhoo, back to whatever I was originally talking about. Oh yeah, Bay. He's responsible for remaking two classic horror films- Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street. I can buy 13th, even though it's technically a remake of the 2nd film, not the first, because the killer in the first is actually Jason Voorhees' mother, not Jason Voorhees, and Jason Voorhees is the killer in the Platinum Dunes remake of Friday the 13th (Jason Voorhees). I didn't hate the new 13th, A) because I don't really care for that series and he can do whatever the hell he wants to it and B) I'm a horror fan, and there was plenty of tits and blood to keep me happy. I got on edge when he went into Wes Craven territory. A Nightmare on Elm Street is one of the most elegant and legendary horror films ever made, and is also part of one of the best horror series ever made, and Michael Bay simply needed a slice of that pie. I'll give him this- the trailer was awesome. Jackie Earle Haley as Fred Krueger- I'll buy that. Hell, I'll buy it and sell it at half price, my good man, but when I saw it in theatres...yikes. See, the thing about the first Nightmare was that A) Krueger hardly talked, so it made him not only scarier but more mysterious, and B) It didn't take itself seriously, at all. It's a fun movie. Bay took it very seriously, and yet not seriously at all. Watch the movie, and you'll see- it was directed by a dick. I'm sorry no I'm not , I just get really upset wen it comes to movies that are dear to me. I guess I'll just have to earn Bays trust and then kill his whole family Manson-style find a way to get over it. Oh, I found it!
Watch this.
*I'd like to add that Megan Fox dropped out of the next Transformers movie for 'wanting to try other venues of film,' which is code for 'I don't want to get raped by Michael Bay.'
Funny stuff. Good gravy, funny stuff. There has been a serious incident on the set of every Transformers movie Bay has overseen, and it is very likely all his fault. How can it not be? Seriously, nobody thought it might be a good idea just to wait to take another take, at least until the ambulance goes by? What, was Bay by the camera, knowing it was going to happen, letting it happen, and then enjoying watching it happen? Probably. In fact, definitely. 'Sir, I think the ambulance might be an issue.' 'Let me do the thinking, son,' Bay might have responded. 'I don't have time for ambulances,' is another possibility. 'I'm Michael Bay, bitch, people die for me' is another likely route.
God, I hate Michael Bay. Everybody hates him. He makes two things, and one of them keeps him in Hollywood. See if you can guess which one-
1) He makes shitty movies
2) His shitty movies make shit loads of money

1 comment:

  1. From Wikipedia: "In May 2010, it was announced that [Rosie] Huntington-Whiteley would be replacing Megan Fox as the female lead in Transformers: The Dark of the Moon, set for release July 1, 2011. She had previously worked with the film's director, Michael Bay, on a Victoria's Secret commercial."