Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Movies to keep an eye on

Whilst stumbling and bumbling along my usual route of internet browsing, perchance I discover'd some pages of worth, mayhap I thought it would be a right low Christian of me indeed to not allot the spoils of my scavange. Gaze upon the beast, bestowed upon humanity by The Asylum, here to wreak havoc and pillage until every Cinemerator lay dead on the moor. 
It be the previous viewing for the picture '2010: Moby Dick', a re-telling of the story that hath throttled us all and shown us the edge of oblivion, only to save us at the last moment, but ne'er to confront the thing that dwells in the shadows of the depths.
I'm going to keep a watchful eye on this movie because I would very much like to see it. Xena from Xena starring in a movie about a submarine captain (the dude who played Brad Majors in Rocky Horror and was the original Danny Zuko on broadway) who obsesses over a beast that they don't even try to play off as mythical- it's just a 400 foot whale with razor sharp teeth, why not go after it with our submarine that can't maneuver, like, at all? It's gonna be good. I can't wait.

Credit for this next movie is due to Mr. Garrette Storme, a faithful companion of mine who has many a time come to my aid as we continue our neverending crusade through the middle age of cinema.
This is no hoax- this is really happening. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for obese superheroes, but I'm even more for Uwe Boll. He is the man in every sense of the word. He makes, seriously, some of the worst movies ever made, and he defends them to the death. Literally- the article talks about it- he literally challenges his critics to get in the boxing ring with him, so long as they weigh less than 200 pounds. Boll himelf is an overweight German who I assume is drunk 90% of he time, not like there's anything wrong with that. Being drunk, I mean. Being German is another story.
Anyway, Boll is crazy. After the release of his 'movie' 'Postal', he went on record by saying that he's the only genius in all of Hollywood and other directors like Micahel Bay and Eli Roth are, and I quote, "fucking retards." What a man, I swear, you should see this guy. He looks exactly like I'm describing him- an angry German. As far as his movies go, oh man, you've got to see House of the Dead. Classic. I saw it when it came out and never forgot it. The other movie of his that I saw, Alone in the Dark, is more a statement on how movies can be as horrible as the Challenger explosion and still be put on screen. A man among ants, he is. There was an actual petition in 2008 (that he agreed to) that stipulated his retirement from directing if it received one million signatures. Two years later it hasn't even broken 400,000 and Boll has said that it's taken too long and he won't retire if it reaches the mark. This petition was sponsered by Stride gum (seriously). Me, I don't want him to retire. I have a soft spot for shitty movies and an even softer one for directos who hate everybody. Is that weird?

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