Points of Interest

danger lurks around every corner

NEW HARRY POTTER TRAILER

So, apparently the seventh Harry Potter book was way too epic for just one movie so they're what I like to call 'Matrix-ing' it into two parts, with part one coming out in November and part two coming out in July. Oh, and by 'way too epic' I mean that the writers weren't creative enough to write one script and Warner Brothers jumped at the opportunity to make double the money. Anyway, a while back there was a huge trailer that pertained to both parts of the finale, and fanboys and girls worldwide simultaneously came. Recently, another official trailer for the first part was released. These people need not worry about advertising because no matter what they're going to break bank. They also don't have to worry about me seeing it, as Emma Watson has been in my spank bank since '01.

*her new haircut? Bankable.

The movies are pretty good though. After I saw the sixth one for the first time, I thought that they had completely gone overboard with the whole 'teen angst' and 'teen relationships' stuff, but after seeing it a second time my opinion changed greatly, not only for the sixth movie but for the franchise itself. They're really pretty movies; shot well, edited well, and cast well, but at the same time they've run their course, so I'm looking forward to masturbating to seeing Emma Watson the finale.

MILLA JOVAVICH, CRISTOPH WALTZ, MADS MIKKELSON

Mads Mikkelson, for those who don't recal [ashes cigar], played Le'Chiffre in Casino Royale. Not only is Casino Royale one of, if not the, best Bond movie, but Mikkelson is one of the best villains [give my guests five minutes to leave. Or throw them overboard]. He has the look and the chops to be a Bond villain, and he made the movie look all the sexier (like Craig needed any help).

I could go on forever about Cristoph Waltz. Inglorious Basterds is one of my favorite movies, and his performance is one of the best I've ever seen. Basterds deserved best picture and screenplay. It was undoubtedly the best movie of the year, but life goes on.

Milla Jovavich could kill my whole family and I would still offer myself to her. Sure, she's in really lame movies, with some exceptions (Fifth Element) but who cares? She should divorce that zero Paul WS Anderson for two reasons: 1) He is the reason she's in lame movies- he casts her in his movies. 2) So she can run away with me.

What do all these awesome people have in common? They're all tied up in my basement They're all going to star in Andersons 'The Three Musketeers'. Some set photos were recently released, and they revealed some interesting things about the movie. Waltz is playing the bad guy, Mads wears an eyepatch, and Milla looks like a million Francs [roll on snare]. That's all I really care about. I'll see the movie because of these three people, but not even the mighty Milla can make a Paul WS Anderson movie anything more than grabage.

ROB ZOMBIE

If any of you have the desire to see a perfectly decent horror movie, see The Devil's Rejects. Rob Zombie is not an outstanding director, and he may not know exactly what he's doing 100% of the time, but he makes pretty acceptable horror movies. I'm a stickler when it comes to Asians horror remakes, but I can say I enjoyed most of Halloween and parts of its sequel. The reason he's good is because he takes full control and responsibility of his movies, something that doesn't always happen in Hollywood, because not all studios are that trusting. 

*although I honestly have no idea how he finds time to make movies, because if I were him, I'd be banging Sheri Moon-Zombie 24/7.

Earlier this week news broke that Zombie is going to make another movie, produced by Oren Peli and Jason Blum, the guys who did Paranormal Activity. It's going to be titled 'The Lords of Salem', after one of songs or something like that, and it's going to be about a 300 year old coven of witches coming to modern day Salem and then tearing it up, bro.

"What excited me most was Jason saying, you can have total control over the script, casting and final cut...I said I'm in." -Rob Zombie (Courtesy of MovieWeb)

That's what I like to hear [high five]. I'm excited for this because even though his movies aren't the best, they're definitely better than most of what Hollywood churns out of its meat grinder.

OLIVER STONE IS A STRAIGHT SHOOTER

I have to admit, I didn't see the first Wall Street all the way through. I've seen parts, and it looked pretty decent, but I just never made it all the way. I don't like Oliver Stone, even though he's made some respectable movies.

*I liked Platoon, but honestly no movie about Vietnam or any war for that matter comes close to Apocalypse Now. Full Metal Jacket is up there as well, but when it comes down to it, I'm Apocalypse all the way. Platoon not only made me feel sad for all that happened in Vietnam, but I felt like it insinuated that it was somehow my fault. Alright, Platoon, see yourself to the door. Except Willem Dafoe. He can stay.

Anyway, check this out. This is Shia Labeefcake recounting a day of shooting Wall Street 2.

“We’re in the Adirondacks, and Josh Brolin and I are shooting this bike scene. And at one point I say to Josh a line — ‘You should look at yourself in the mirror first and see yourself. It might scare you,’” remembered LaBeouf. “I looked at the line for a couple of months and thought I’d go to Oliver and say, ‘You look at the mirror and look at yourself. It’s sort of repetitive. Why don’t we just cut one of those? Why don’t I say, Look at yourself. It might scare you.’ This is Oliver verbatim. He looks at me and goes, ‘I like mirror. I wrote Scarface. Go f*ck yourself.’”- Shia Labouf, courtesy of Vulture

Hilarious. Only Stone can get away with that. If I was Shia I would have been like, 'Yeah, you also made World Trade Center five years after 9/11. And cast Nicholas Cage.' Yeah, that would have been awesome [kicks can] [stares at the sky].

Josh Brolin also doesn't like the movie. He was quoted as calling it 'the most formulaic movie Oliver Stone has ever done'.

It kind of pisses me off that Brolin keeps starring in movies that he hated making. Jonah Hex, for example, was a train wreck, and even he has said that it's shit. He's a good actor, why is he not inside me good movies?

He later caught himself and said something to the effect of '...but you should still see it'. I might go see it this weekend, if I have nothing better to do, like cut my dick off.

GOD OF CARNAGE

...is a play written Yasmina Reza. It's a comedy about two sets of parents getting together to talk about how one of their kids hurt the others in a park. It was huge on Broadway and starred Hope Davis, Marcia Gay Harden, James Gandolfini, and Jeff Daniels. It's supposed to be amazing and really funny (most of my friends are obsessed with it) and now they're adapting it into a movie. Two good things about this: 

One- the cast. Kate Winslet, Christoph Waltz, Matt Dillon, and Jodie Foster are playing the parents. I love the first two, really like the last one, and am completely and utterly indifferent to the third.

Two- the director. Get ready- Roman Polanski.

Roman Polanski is one of the best directors of all time, and he is one of my favorites as well (which is more important). I like every movie he's made. Even The Ninth Gate, which is his worst, is one of my favorites. The Ghost Writer, his most recent movie, is outstanding, and Rosemary's Baby is and always will remain in my top 5. He got into a spot of trouble a few years back (charged with rape in '77, when all he wanted was a good time), and hasn't set foot in the US since then (not even to accept his best director Oscar for The Pianist), which means none of his movies are filmed in the US.

*Fun Fact- The Ghost Writer is actually set in Martha's Vineyard but it was filmed entirely in Germany, all because he'd get arrested had he filmed anywhere else.

He's a seriously good director, one of the last great ones, and I think part of that comes from his severely messed up life. Your wife and unborn child getting murdered by the Manson family is hard to come back from.

No other info about the movie is out yet, but it should be pretty good. Kate Winslet is one of the few actresses I don't mind paying ten bucks to see, and Christoph Waltz is, well, he's Christoph Waltz. And Jodie Foster is a lesbian pretty good too. Matt Dillon was in Crash. I'll never forgive him for that [shakes fist in anger].

QUICKIE- BILL AND TED 3

...is officially happening. All the original people are attached, so it should prove to be entertaining. I'll always be a fan of 1 & 2. But here's the funny part- Keanu Reeves has approached Werner Herzog with an offer to direct. How hilarious would that be- 'Bill, we've totally got to get back to the wild and save the bears!' [bear sounds]

CUPCAKE KEANU

Need I say more?