Monday, September 20, 2010

Points of Interest

What does this post and the systematic killing of stray cats have in common? Answer: I'm going to try and make a weekly thing out of it.

Answer: the Challenger Deep. For those of you who aren't familiar with this particular location, let me explain [removes hat][wipes brow]. The Challenger Deep is the lowest recorded area in the ocean. It's 36,000 feet deep, located near the Mariana Trench. That's so deep, that if my penis Mount Everest was placed at the bottom, you would have to dive a mile and a half down before you reached the peak. Jimmy wants to shoot scenes down here, and for some reason he thinks that this will help advancements in science and technology. James Cameron plans to take this contraption to the bottom with a camera in the trunk:

I'm not going to not say I've gotten aroused by the movie 'Cocoon' pretend to understand how this is going to make the Avatar sequels amazing: I'm just going to trust that Cameron knows what he's going. Avatar was pretty entertaining, albeit way too fucking a little long and pretty contrived as far as dialogue goes, but I can't say I didn't enjoy watching that huge tree get blown to shit. I will certainly buy tickets to these movies.

I recently caught up with the star of the Avatar sequels, an adult Macellicephaloides.
Me: So, Macellicephaloides, what was it like working with Cameron?
Macellicephaloides: Please, call me Mace. Jim, he's the man. You know, I'll always be a Cameron-ite after this. He really gave me the opportunity of a lifetime.
Mace, a scale worm from the family 'Polychaete', says he'll never forget the day he met Cameron.
Macellicephaloides: Yeah, I'll always remember the day I got a call from my agent, Glen. He says, Mace, have I got news for you. You know who wants you for their next picture? James Cameron. I got so excited I mitosisised right there on the spot.
Me: So, where did you guys meet?
Macellicephaloides: Well, it's actually pretty funny, I was working at a car wash that Jim frequents, and we just hit it off. I didn't even know who he was. We struck up a conversation about where I'm from-
Me: Mariana?
Macellicephaloides: Originally, yeah. Yeah, he says he's in the film business (who isn't, am I right?), so I gave him my card and he went on his way. My buddy Rick comes over and he's all, 'Dude, don't you know who that was? James Cameron!'
Me: That's quite a story.
Macellicephaloides: Yeah, I'm really grateful. I've always been a fan of Aliens, and you know, I knew a few of the extras in The Abyss.
Me: That's outstanding. Thanks for your time, Mace, I'm sure you've got to get back on set.
Macellicephaloides: Not a problem. Thank you.

Cameron has also entered himself in the running for the next X-Prize. The X-Prize is a $10 million grant given by a non-profit organization to those who pioneer the fields of science and exploration. Cameron all the way, am I right?
Challenger Deep is also apparently a secret nuclear disposal site, so he might luck out and run into Cthulhu, or the cloverfield monster, or my wank.

Sarah Silverman is cool for a variety of reasons, number one being she's an actress I actually enjoy watching. She's going to star in a movie called 'Take this Waltz' or some shit with Seth Rogen and the movie sucks already [cough] [sneeze] but the good thing about all this is that she's allegedly getting naked for it. I'll buy a ticket to see her tits, cash on the table [how many aces are in that deck?!], despite the fact that I hate Seth Rogen.
*he's a shit actor who makes funny lines un-funny. He should just be a supporting character at most. What, is Hollywood so desperate for comic relief that they're turning to fatasses with a pube-beard? Why don't I just go down to my local McDonalds and hold an open call?

In case you don't know who Armond White is, lemme let you in on the gag [honk]. Armond White is a film critic for the New York Press. He's also a huge black guy that hates every popular movie that comes out. He also happens to be the asshole who gave Toy Story 3 the only bad review it got.

"The Toy Story franchise isn’t for children and adults, it’s for non-thinking children and adults." -Armond White, on Toy Story 3.

Thanks Armond, do you only let your kids listen to NPR? Yeah, you know how Toy Story 1 & 2 both have 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, but 3 has a 99%?  Armond White. This guy not only hates everything that gets popular, but loves everything that people hate, which brings me to the next point of interest: Armond White's review for Resident Evil: Afterlife.

"If critics and fanboys weren’t suckers for simplistic nihilism and high-pressure marketing, Afterlife would be universally acclaimed as a visionary feat, superior to Inception and Avatar on every level."- Armond White, on Resident Evil: Afterlife

Afterlife does one-up Avatar and Inception on a few levels. One- Ali Larter's body. Two- Milla Jovavich's body. Three- Milla gets cloned, and the more the merrier. But as far as plot, visuals, action, character development, direction, sound, editing, art direction, cinematography, acting, casting, production value, and Leonardo DiCaprio, I think Afterlife could improve on a few things. Does he seriously think that people give a shit about marketing, when it's a fucking Resident Evil movie? Maybe if it wasn't a shitty movie people would pay attention and recognize how good it is visually, but White is arguing that it is a good movie. There is literally no way you could ever make a good Resident Evil. Seriously. It's a fucking video game. They aren't good movies. Sure, I bet it's great in 3D, because somebody finally realized that the only reason a movie will ever look good in 3D is if you film it in 3D, but that doesn't make it good. I can look at a piece of dogshit at 1080p in RealD and it'll be awesome, but I'm still staring at dogshit. And how can you even speak the words 'Afterlife' and 'Inception' in the same sentence? I don't get it, because they're two completely different movies. I'm not angry at you, Armond, I'm just disappointed. But wait, he's not done.

"Anderson redeems that techno-gimmick which James Cameron foolishly hawks as a gateway to new perception because he realizes it’s just a play thing, not a New Age talisman. Anderson toys with 3-D for artistic caprice, constantly shifting levels, distance, perspective, layers." -Armond 'Fuckless' White

What's that old political cartoon, where the woman walks out of a poll booth and says, 'I don't think I voted against the right person?' You can't write a review about a movie and compare it to other current movies at the same time. That doesn't make it a review, that makes it a cockfight. And what's all this 'new-age talisman' shit? What, did he think people bowed down before Jimmy 'The Slayer' Cameron when he decided that 3D was the way of the future? Well, maybe they did, but that's aside the point. [light switch] [footsteps] [tire screech] The point is, White is under the assumption that the director of Afterlife made the movie with the intention of revolutionizing the way 3D movies are made, which is false. He made the movie to make money. James Cameron made Avatar to make money too (although did it really make anything? I worry about him sometimes...), but he did all the 3D shit because he wanted to revolutionize the film industry, which he succeeded in doing. And don't even get me started on Inception. [I bought the airline]
Don't get me wrong. I love Armond White. I really do. I think his reviews are hilarious, and I think he does it just to shake shit up, which is what movie reviewin' is all about.
That, and tits.
Mostly tits.

TRON: LEGACY going to blow my mind. They recently released a slew of character banners for the movie, and not only does Jeff Bridges look like a sex knight, but the movie looks seriously outstanding. The guy who does the visuals did the visuals for the original (he also does creature work, Pirhanna, Star Trek, Cloverfield, etc.), and Disney has given him everything he needs to make the movie blow the fuck up right in my face.
Honestly, and this is just because the way the past couple of years have been going, I didn't really think 2010 was going to be a good year at the movies, but I'm mistaken. Good movies came out this year (Inception, Toy Story 3, Last Exorcism) and more are still to come (Tron, Social Network). Especially coming from Disney, whom I despise, this year is looking pretty good.

"Power to me."- Armond White

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