Saturday, September 18, 2010

Good Movies that Haven't Come Out Yet


I was, admittedly, a slave to the viral sites attached to Cloverfield. I spent a year and a half waiting for that farking movie to come out, waiting for one thing- the monster. I wanted to see it so badly I literally had no idea what to do with myself. I fell behind in school, lashed out at friends and family, hurt small animals, and watched a lot of violent pornography. A bum rap, I know, seeing as how the movie kind of sucks. What sucks even more is that they're making a sequel to it. There's a moment in the movie where the cameraguy (that annoying actor who can burn in hell [wait, you know about superman?]) swings his camera around and briefly catches another camera filming the same thing. That's what they're going off of. J.J. Abrams probably thought (once the first check came through the mail slot) 'Hey, let's go with it! Foolproof, people, foolproof!' [high five] [chandelier shudders] You see, the reason I'm not shitting my pants over this idea is because I had an operation and I don't want to talk about it there's only so much you can do with the story of Cloverfield. I've seen the monster, I know it fucks up Manhattan, what else do I need to know? Why should I give a shit about anything else, let alone the story
*(which is oh-so lame, if we're going to get into that. Kids running away from monsters trying to save their friend (who is definatly a whore and knows the exact dimensions of Matt Reeves' cock (J.J. Abrams: 'I promised you the flesh: you may take her, mine servant')) with incredibly glib dialogue sprinkled on shit acting and I don't care, give me the mons- THERE IT IS, FINALLY) [baby laugh]
Don't get me wrong, I'll see the movie. I'll see it many times; I may even purchase it at my local 'The Exchange'. Like my brother so eloquently put, 'If I have at least 5% interest in seeing the movie, I'll pay for the ticket.' He then went on to say several disconcerning things about Protestants. What he means is that going to the movies is what makes it fun. If you like a movie enough to watch it at home or buy it, fine, but a movie will always be 20% better when seen in a dark theatre.
Any-way [spins pocketwatch], Troll Hunter. This movie looks spamtastic. Check this link, fuckless. The reason I went on and on about Cloverfield is because, well, they're essentially very similar movies. I know this because it's incredibly obvious. A crew goes around filming giant monsters. What's not to like? 'Their devil-ways,' my brother might say.

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