Saturday, September 18, 2010

Letterman was in on it, Herzog Saves the Day

Phoenix got a lot of attention when he told Letterman that he wanted to be a rapper [bitch slap], and now he's getting an unbelievable amount of press because the Casey Affleck doc is a sham. It was all an act, and now it appears Letterman was in on it. Give it to me straight, EW, how long havvah got?

“Dave knew about it, and Dave loved it because he could play along…It was great television.”

My idea of great television is what people might call 'a felony' (illegal in 49 states but mandatory in Iowa) [whip crack], so I don't really have much say in the matter, but I think the fact that Phoenix (I keep saying 'Phoenix' because I don't want to take the two seconds to look up how to spell his first name) has devoted two years of his life entirely to getting attention from the media is simply delightful. Howe'er, some people still think he's over the deep end. Sorry, EW, I was wiping my ass with twenties [honk].

“I’ve told people that [everyone is in on the joke], and not only don’t people believe me, they tell me that I’m wrong and that [Phoenix] is a schizophrenic and he needs help and he’s going to end up like his brother [River, who died of a drug overdose in 1993]. I said no."

'Hehehe...GET HER. That was your plan all along, get her?' Yeah, we need to drive up to Phoenixs' house and blackbag his ass, that'll teach'im! Think you can fool me, mysterious stranger? Take that! [old men laughing and throwing bottles]. Hell, I think the whole River Phoenix thing was a sham, too. He's out there somewhere, throwing back Calico Jack with bigfoot, laughing at the rest of the world.
Back to the Phoenix who's still breathing. There was a story that ran a couple days ago saying that Phoenix was in a car accident and was saved by none other than the caped crusader himself, Werner Herzog. Herzog alleges he was driving behind Phoenix and Phoenix flipped his car and was trapped inside. As he approached the car to see if he was hurt, he found that Phoenix was sitting upside down with gasoline running over his body attempting to light a cigarrette. He had to take the lighter from him because he wouldn't stop trying to light it. I would have loved to has been in his head five seconds beore the crash. 'Fuck, is that Werner Herzog? I've always wanted to meet him.' [urine]
Herzog makes badass movies, and I expected nothing less from him. His Loch Ness mockumentery is masterful. All of this Phoenix shit makes me constipated. He's gonna be on Letterman at the end of the month, 'out of character', so I'm definatly looking forward to not watching it. No, I think I'll just watch Pterodactly porn instead.

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