Sunday, November 7, 2010

David Duchovny is a Sexual Tyrannasaurus

we're on to something...

I haven't seen the first X-files movie in a really long time (it's an instant watch now...I should read up), but I know for a fact that anything is better than the second movie. I've recently had complaints that I've been spoiling movies in my reviews so I won't say what happens in the sequel, only that David Duchovny and Gillian Andersons perfect relationship was tarnished. It was like ending a meal with an appetizer, very unfulfilling and weird, not something you expected to happen. Anyway, news just broke that my wife is pregnant they are...ahem...making a fucking 'nother X-files movie..
Seriously? You don't necessarily need to know the series to see where I'm about to come from but to understand my frustration you should see the movies. Let me see if I can put it in a metaphor.
Think about the most perfect childrens story you've ever read. Something you deeply cherished- notice how I'm using the word 'cherished' here. This isn't something you liked, or even really liked, this is something you appreciated on a profound level. Ok, so you've got this profoundly cherish-able kids story, let's say it's about a friendly (but sometimes serious) T-rex and a grumpy (but sometimes playful) Stegosaurus that roam the prehistoric world together, helping other dinosaurs out and making friends in the process. Can you not feel the appreciation well up inside you like an oil rig? Now imagine that same story but in long-form, a novel perhaps. Ok, different format, same basic idea, doesn't exactly fit my childhood memory of this story but doesn't ruin anything. But this time, instead of going on an adventure together, they turn their minds towards each other and the book ends with them getting into a huge dinosaur battle. Remember that appreciation that was welling up inside you? Well, it just exploded all over the gulf of Mexico. Now- and here's something really tough to imagine- they're making another book.
'X-files 3: the Story Continues'? Mayhap a goodly title. Duchovny had this to say:

"It is in the process of being written. One awaits just the green light from Fox, who are a little disappointed from the relatively poor reception of the second film. (The film grossed $20.8 million.) The error comes, in my opinion, from the authors straying too far from the roots of the series. Moreover, the film was released in the summer. The third will be much closer to what the public expects, with government conspiracies, etc." -David Duchovny, courtesy of MovieWeb

The public expected you people to let a dead dog remain dead. Why make another one? Seriously, why? Maybe he feels that the series needs to redeem himself. He's also a sex addict (that's no lie), so maybe he wants to make another one just so he can bang Gillian Anderson. I wouldn't blame him. Yeah, the movie made $20.8 million from a $30 million budget, shouldn't that be a very large road sign proclaiming 'do not pass go, do not make another shitty movie'? Yeah, and then he blames it on being released in the summer. Ok, Davey, just because the movie is set during the winter doesn't make it a winter movie. Seriously? It's an X-files movie. The only reason it didn't make bank is because there's no way to market it anymore. How are they gonna market this one? From the minds of the people who brought you the most disappointing movie adaptation of a TV series since Charlies Angels comes the next invigorating chapter in the neverending struggle of discovering the truth. Coming soon. Duchovny seems bent on defending something he knows isn't in the least bit interesting. 
Or profitable, for that matter. Just when you think you've got Hollywood figured out. I don't know, I guess I just assumed that if a movie doesn't break even, you don't sprint to the computer to type out a sequel. Fox is just desperate. I can't think of another reason. Unless...they're not in the right mind...or from this solar system...I guess I have a little investigating to do. 

I hope that metaphor helped, because it was super fun to write. I think I might cash in on that whole children's book idea, there's money to be had in that field. To take your mind off of pesky little sequels that shouldn't be made, check out the new trailer for a sequel that came out of nowhere and is going to kick your ass.

...and nobody can get at it but me!

No comments:

Post a Comment