Saoirse Ronan is old enough to make out in trailers now

Saoirse Ronan, pronounced 'Peter Jackson's High School Science Project', is going to star in an upcoming movie... how expected. She's clearly on the verge of something close to being attractive. Is the reason I'm back. The movie she's in is The Host, directed by this guy. First off, look at this poster. This soon to be classic is from the mind of the woman who came up with Twilight. I honestly don't think anything more needs to be said. The trailer can be found...well, you don't need to see the trailer. Look it up. Am I advertising this movie too enthusiatically?

Lars von Trier

Lars von Trier.

I’d like to say how much I enjoyed your movies. Breaking the Waves is perhaps one of the most intensely personal film I’ve ever seen, followed closely by Antichrist, and now that I’ve seen Melancholia, I’ve been convinced to write you. I know that when I say ‘that I’ve ever seen’, that may not mean much to a personality like yourself, who has witnessed the production of films on a level many people like myself will never experience. I often think about what I would say to you if I ever met you. If I ever ran into you, what could I say? I might say the first thing that comes to my head, which would more than likely be something in the ballpark of ‘I don’t know what the hell to say, man! I have so many questions.’ Well, it’s true, I have many questions, and like so much in life, most of them will never be answered. I’d be happy, as would most of the rest of humanity, to take it in stride- to take it with as much salt as I can. Life is a cacophony of unanswered questions, but I’d like to think that if I knew everything I wanted to know, I’d realize that I’m already dead. Not to sound overly dramatic, but I think I get a glimpse of the afterlife when I watch your movies. It’s refreshing, to watch something made by someone who understands what it’s like to have so many questions, but knowing that they’ll never be answered, and be OK with it. You sir, create films that are the embodiment of the human condition. Because of this, I won’t ask you any questions. I’d only like to say thank you, and that my interest in the art you create will never waver, so long as the man behind the camera remains as devoted as you’ve been.

With sincerity-

James P McDonald

A fellow, in time of redemption and plastering. An essay

I'm at a bar in Lebo currently reflecting on my place in life, and have you seen the hobbit trailer? I really hope you have be ause if you haven't, then what are you doing here? This isnt a first grade blog. And by first grade, I mean before primary school. And if you don't understand 'first grade', then you're clearly a Saudi Arabian viewer in which case, what are you doing here? This isn't first grade.
Anyway, at the prompting of a certain Messer Garreth Storme, who is in fact a homosexual, I've been enthused to produce what the layman may call a cinemeration, which is known to be intelligible only to those who are eligible to interpret its intelligibility.

Back to the hobbit

I'm currently at the mercy of apple products which means I'm handicapped by the limits of not having photoshop but if you've visited my site you know my feelings towards this motione picture-e. seriously watch the trailer, it'll be a year before it comes out, and Jackson, are you kidding me? Rule of thumb, you god damn Brit or Australian or new zealanderian or whatever the heck in speck you are, please. NO DIAGONALS. The poster is all about the diagonals! I remember my first beer too, Pete, and it went over a hell of a lot better than your marketing campaign. And the trailer? Really? I'm all about the hobbit. But please, give me something other than a plain, over-pleated trailer all based off of the point at which a nerd climaxes. I like Martin freeman, but please, give me something other than the first 2 takes of a shot you probably used solely for the trailer. Remember the first release trailer for ROTK? Remember how many socks had to be thrown in the trash because of it? My first beer was a lot more enjoyable.


Anyhow, it's good to be back. I graduated college so hopefully that'll reverberate into my real life. On blogger. Man, that beer was great. Well, I'm gonna see MI4 over the holidays because holy fuck does it look good. Other than that, good to be back, and anybody else who has a gripe with me, please, add me on Facebook. Please. It's not funny if you don't.

Snaggletooth is the subject.

Some wonderful things happened last week, and I'm not just talking about the floods and tornadoes. No, I'm referring to the festivities over at da souf uh France, in the humble farming village of Cannes, where every year self-promoting celebrities roll in to gawk over themselves and eat cocaine through their nostrils. After all the pomp and circumstance, the winners were revealed. The Tree of Life, Terrence Malicks 40-years-in-the-making epic about trees that are alive (wut?) that he entrusted to Sean Penn took home the palme D'or, the equivalent to best picture, and Kirsten Dunst took home the best actress prize for Lars von Trier's Melancholia, the only movie at Cannes I actually want to see. Von Trier got into some trouble last week, and here's why:

In response to a question about his Germanic roots, Von Trier set off on a long and twisted answer that, if this were America, not Cannes, would have meant career suicide.
“For a long time I thought I was a Jew and I was happy to be a Jew,” he began, “then I  met (Danish and Jewish director) Susanne Bier and I wasn’t so happy. But then I found out I was actually a Nazi. My family were German. And that also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler…I sympathize with him a bit.”
Von Trier qualified that “I don’t mean I’m in favor of World War II and I’m not against Jews, not even Susanne Bier” before digging himself deeper. “In fact I’m very much in favor of them. All Jews. Well, Israel is a pain in the ass but…”
As Melancholia stars Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg, sitting on either side of Von Trier, stared at him agog, the director paused.
“Now how can I get out of this sentence? Ok. I’m a Nazi.”- HollywoodReporter

Von Trier later apologized for making these comments because despite the fact that he is a conceited Dane, he realizes that not everyone shares his sense of humor. However, because the French are French, Lars von Trier, one of the only true autuers in a festival established to honor autuers, was banned from Cannes for life. He's an idiot for saying these things, to be sure, and Cannes has the right to call him out on being an idiot, but I think banning him from the festival is a little extreme. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want Lars von Trier at my film festival just because I don't think I could handle all of that emo poon (I'd need Garrett Storm to back me up). It was a questionable move, but a move nonetheless. They screened Melancholia anyway, and Dunst took home the same award Charlotte Gainsbourg took home a few years back for Antichrist. On her way out of the ceremony, Dunst had this to say:

I'm all for standing by your opinion, but this is the equivalent of tattling. Why Dunst would say this about the director who gave her a hugely prestigious award is another Hollywood dogma. Yeah, he was an idiot, but you're making an equally idiotic comment by stepping on his grave. Jesus, has this been a shitty week. Von Trier banned from Cannes, a Sean Penn movie wins the Palme, Dunst is still alive, and have you heard about those floods and tornadoes? Just awful.

Review: The Roommate

Welcome to LA- where the sun rises 200 times faster than any other place in the world, and everyone looks up at the incredible buildings and how they reflect off of one another. A perfect day to start college, wouldn't you say? Enter Sarah Matthews, 30 18, straight off the boat from Des Moines, and ready to start her life as a freshman at the University of Los Angeles, a school where love coincides with each spiked cup of punch at every frat party on campus. Gracefully weaving between the ultimate frisbee players on the quad, she registers for her room and unpacks within the first 35 seconds. No waiting in lines for this run of the mill college beauty, no sir! During the next 90 seconds, she makes friends with the two hardiest party chicks on campus, gets wasty at a frat party, and becomes the love interest of the drummer of the band playing at the frat house- this guy:

Easy, baby. Let Ruffles McBrow soothe your roofie.

Yes, things are certainly looking up for Ms. Matthews, a design major holding the apple of the fashion teachers hugely metrosexual eye in the palm of her breast, this guy:

Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool guy..

Oh yeah. Billy Zane is in this movie and we haven't even passed the 5 minute mark yet. It isn't until we meet Sarah's roommate, an LA native who seems like she has something to hide. But Sarah is too wrapped up in her awesome first half hour of college to give two cares to anything like that. But her roommate is hiding something, a secret so deadly not even the fluffiest Billy Zane ascot can comprehend.

So yeah, I saw The Roommate. I'm not going to tell you what happens because I don't want any more goddam angry e-mails talking about how I'm spoiling movies. Normally I'd say that a movie like The Roommate is 'already spoiled' and thenhave a laugh and jump up and down and eat a slice of bonoffee pie (I've been in Europe too long), but this time it's different [dons shades] [gives dog matching shades].

I'm actually very surprised that The Roommate has a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, because by all rights, this movie really isn't that bad. Please, don't misunderstand, this isn't classic that wll be discussed and dissected by mangy film students for the next twenty-odd years, but I wasn't necessarily un-entertained. How can I deny ascot Billy Zane? Bitches goin' crazy up in this movie.

Granted, the characters are as developed as a kid with down syndrome’s brain, but that doesn’t make the movie any less entertaining. I think reviewers are too preoccupied with the ridiculous script and horrifyingly dull characters to realize that you don’t have to ‘like’ a character to enjoy watching them in turmoil. The idea of everything going wrong with this girl Sarah Matthews, a totally unrelatable chick who has literally everything makes me like this movie. You can’t relate to Sarah Matthews because she is living a totally overblown college life. Nobody makes friends that fast, nobody gets into classes that quickly, and NOBODY (myself very much included) EVER gets their room situation figured out that quickly. You don’t go up to the counter, say your name, and get your room. No. You wait in line for forty five minutes, wait as the girl from student services who sucks at her job to find your name, wander around the hall for an hour trying to find your room, and then get your room. But you don’t unpack yet, because you haven’t eaten in twelve hours because the process is taking so long, so you go find some food. You get lost, spend too much money, and by 10 oclock at night you maybe try to start unpacking but you’re too tired by then. Maybe I’m just a little vindictive when it comes to college life, but hey, I’m in college. Oh, and nobody takes a cab to their school. Bitch.  

Anyway one of the things I actually did like in this movie is the camera work. I have a feeling that cheesy horror movies like this tend to get whatever film school cinematographer recently hopped off the boat in LA to shoot their movie, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because film students tend to make decent pictures if you give them the chance. It’s ametueristic, to be certain, but it still has its charm.

Again, I really don’t know why this movie doesn’t have at least somewhere in the 30’s on rotten, because I have seen much much MUCH worse movies in my time with significantly higher aggregated scores. I honestly think it’s because reviews hate it even before they see it. I mean, PEOPLE liked this movie, and that’s obvious because it made twice as much as it took to make it.

I hereby bestow The Roommate 2 out of 4 squirts. Stay classy, Billy Zane.

Abduction trailer is mind-blowingly hilarious

My, I did indeed fan myself profusely after watching the release trailer for Abduction. First off, I must say that as a Pittsburgher from way back I need to impress the importance of Hollywood filming their new fangled teen-dream pictures in Pittsburgh. It's a pretty big dealthat Pittsburgh is getting all the attention, and it should get even more interesting after Dark Knight Rises completes principle photography in a thousand years. Pittsburgh is the originator of 'a good town'- it has everything. Buildings, people, three (count em', THREE!) rivers, a bustling business scene, and a strip club that Nick Nolte wole-heartedly reccomends. Yeah, it's a great place to hang your hat. As I briefly mentioned before, a by-product of Hollywood coming to Pittsburgh is the inevitable preliminary stage of shitty movies being made. Case in point- Abduction. I actually had the esteemed privelage to infiltrate visit the set and see if I could steal some of Taylor Lautner's blood sneak a peak on some of dat action, and got kicked out for carrying a camera. Also for infiltrating.

It's a pretty funny story as a matter of fact- it was being filmed in my best friends neighborhood, my old stomping ground called Virginia Manor, and after being totally thrown into a state of dissalusionment after being swept away into the great abyss of literally hundreds of tween-age girls, we decided to take the back way to his house, which turned out to be a big mistake because we were chased and eventually run down by three sec gurds and six (count em', SIX!) cops, so I never got my hands on any of the hearthrobs blood, but you know me, get right back on that horse.

Can you blame me? I hate Taylor Lautner with every fiber of my genius level brain and every cell of my son of the Gods sculpted forme, but I'm not about to miss out on some Sig Weave and Al Molina action. Needless to say I didn't see anybody except the tail end of a train of young ladies, but I'd do it again. And again. And again. And again.

Bottom line, folks- the trailer is absolutely not to be missed. It includes some treasures from action movie past, with such standards as...
'I've got something you need to see.'
'We've got 36 hours to find this kid.'
'Suddenly everyone around me is dying.'
'What's my real name!'
'Who are these people?!'
'They can't be trusted' (those two came right after each other)
'Not if I find you first...'
With
'You have something that belongs to me.'
And the ever classic-
'Trust me.'
Apart from being the worst actor who has ever been on screen, Taylor Lautner...Um...uh...oh, I learned how to take a screenshot so enjoy the following!

Spotted: Tarantino's Coke Wizard

A funny thing about Tarantino is the crowd he hangs out with. Tarantino's the kind of guy who only associates himself with people who are obsessed with him, and it really isn't that hard to find 400+ people who love Tarantino to work on one of his movies. The link coming up is pretty funny on its own- the woman who does the 'clapping' is a pretty stereotypical Tarantinite: vulgar, mid-thirties, coked up, and French. She's the kind of woman who everybody sees at one of Quentin's wrap parties, right next to the legendary white wizard of Tarantino. I was rambling through the internets when I came across the video, and shat myself when I saw the wizard. I hope you enjoy.

A Cinemeration exclusive.

Melancholia is gonna school all a 'ya

Come, my worthy sheep, for the next exciting edition of ye olde Cinemeration.

[shoves sheep into oven] [rolls seeves up] [flips through Rolling Stone] [eats onion]

Now, as you all well know, I have a very special place in my penis heart for directors like Lars von Trier. I mean, the guy is totally insane, but that not exactly why I like him. It's mainly because he uses his insanity to his advantage.

Now, what do I mean by that? Well get ready, because I'm about to answer that question.

A little background on von Trier. Lars von Trier is an autuer, but enough of that gay crap. Back in '95 he became part of a filmmaking movement called Dogme 95.Dogme 95 layed down some rules for making movies. These were - rules to create filmmaking based on the traditional values of story, acting and theme, and excluding the use of elaborate special effects or technology. Essentially, it's a group of Danes, Swedes, and Frenchies that sit around a coffee table smoking French cigarettes discussing the various ways in which they could portray cutting off a chickens head in sepia tone while getting blown by whichever hipster chick with a Super 8 who thinks she can capture a life moment on film happens to be on call at the moment. Unfortunatly, the film community at large hasn't taken too kindly to Dogme 95, most likely due to the fact that what Dogme 95 calls artistic expression of hidden and malignant desire to discover the pain and majesty of death and suffering, everyone else in the world calls hardcore porn. Von Trier's an interesting guy, though. He suffers from a variety of phobias and have periodic depression, and apparently the only thing that doesn't make him want to throw a chair out the window and quickly follow it is makin' movies.

Another quick recap- von Trier directed Antichrist, which is one of my all time favorite movies, and I hate to say it, but I'm not kidding. I think it's a pretty sweet movie, and that brings me right the way back to why I like guys like von Trier- the dude goes completely suicidal and then makes a movie. Look at Apocalypse Now- directed by a guy who tried to off himself various times on set. I think there's something to be said about movies made by these kinds of people. And I think that something is Cinemeration. [fireworks] [fireworks land on Chinese pagoda] [fireworks]

Anyhow- big news. I was in Germany for five days doing none of your goddam business and I just got back today, and the first story I read swiftly lead me to blogger. I had no idea- von Trier directed a very Antichrist-y (I love when I get to use that adjective) movie that's coming to the states around the end of May called Melancholia, starring- wait for it...

KILL IT WITH FIRE

THE ARK OF THE COVENANT HAS BEEN RE-OPENED! AHHHH AND SNAGGLETOOTH IS IN IT!

That's right folks.

Here's the trailer. Red band glory.

The story is basically ver muh like the central theme in Antichrist- Willem Defoe's penis depression. Kirsten Dunst has a fairytale wedding (OMG and Charlotte Gainsbourg is her sister pleeeeease lesbian scene) and then becomes all depressed in slow motion. Oh, and by the by, there's a planet on a crash course to Earth. Wait a minute- [flings cigar over shoulder] [spins bowtie] a PLANET, you say?! Consarnit, doesn't that just beat all. God, watch the trailer. Yes, you, GOD, watch the trailer. Might learn a few hings from this von Trier guy. Cinemeration forever.

[shaves cat]

Review: Trolljegeren (The Troll Hunter)

I've recently been privy to certain pirating websites due to the lack of anything at all because the UK would ban reading if they could and came across Redbeard The Troll Hunter by accident. As you may know, I found out about Troll Hunter a few months back, never expecting to see it but thinking it looked ridiculously entertaining. A very happy accident, as it turns out, because it was phenomenal.
The Troll Hunter is Norway’s long awaited response (heh) to the fresh as spring flowers shaky-cam genre, ie, Blair Witch Project and, fittingly, Cloverfield. It tells the story of three Norwegian film students (…but I hate Norwegian film students…) following around a trolljegeren- troll hunter- documenting his exploits as they trek through northern Norway looking for- shocker- trolls.
They use the old ‘the state has kept them a secret’ gag. Not like they would need to, because who does anything in Norway anymore. Too mainstream. [adjusts glasses]
The troll hunter they follow around lets them film the trolls because he wants people to know of their existence on account of he hates his job.
The premise is quaint enough- it’s pretty hard to say ‘no’ to a guy pitching a movie about following around trolls, but the main strength of the movie is not the plot. The plot is there because it needs to be, kind of like how if you look at the story arc of Cloverfield it literally makes no sense. [runs over Cloverfield DVD with a steamroller]
But where the movie succeeds it flourishes. The first thing that really got me hooked was the setting itself. Norway looks fucking awesome. And it isn’t like there are some good establishing shots of an open field with maybe a mountain and the rest is night vision in the woods- they go through like 4 completely different terrains. The locations change with the story, and the movie squeezes every last drop of Norway out of Norway. It’s basically Lord of the Rings done all handheld (but without dollys or fancy mirrors or whatever those whippersnappers used to make the movie look all newfangled). Don’t get me wrong, by the by, the night vision scene is awesome. Night vision + trolls= nerd boner.
I initially had some trouble figuring out the exact tone of the movie, though. It’s not funny or scary enough to be a dark comedy and I feel like they didn’t have a tone in mind when they were doing this movie. Overall it’s very suspenseful, and the idea of people going troll hunting in Norway gives the film just the right amount of wit. In the end I finished the movie in a very peppy humor.
Speaking of wit, one of the best aspects of the movie is Otto Jesperson- the troll hunter. This guy is really, really good.
So good that I in fact wikipedia’d him, and found out some interesting facts. Jesperson is a card carrying socialist who lives in Norway as a radio personality and comedian. He is also one of the most hated people in the country, at least by the government, because of the cracks he makes at Norways PM (who is probably a bear).
His performance is absolutely delightful and makes the movie what it is. The film students keep telling him how exciting his job sounds and he acts like he’s a garbage man. He just has this way about him that makes everything he does awesome.
The visuals in the movie are great, too. The trolls look a little weird/cartoonish, but there are some seriously badass troll-fighting sequences. And the whole night vision scene is, I’ll say it again, really well done and really suspenseful. The production value of the whole thing looks absolutely insane, made even more satisfying due to the fact that this is still a hugely underground movie [puts on hipster hat]. Don’t worry, though, because I have a feeling that it’s going to explode sometime soon.






Fincher Wants Breasts All over teh Intern3tz

I'm pretty set on thinking that David Fincher can do whatever he wants. Seriously, this guy has made some of the most badass movies of all time. His first movie was an Alien sequel, and whether or not that movie is good is irrelevant. He's had an impressive career, which is about to be solidified when he wins best director for Social Network (moments before it nabs BP). He's also the guy, and I have to say this, that killed my father and robbed him of his two California gold pieces he kept in his trouser pant could have stolen Daniel Craig from doing the next Bond. It's all worked out now, thank Shiva, but still. I need Bond back like Disco.

side note- the next Bond gets better and better every day and it's not just about having Craig and Mendes. They signed back on Dame Judy, and that's great, but that was to be expected- now they're talking about getting Javier Bardem and Ralph Fiennes as unnamed roles. Um, can you say No Country hairstyles all around? YESPLZ

Anyway, Finch can do whatever he wants, and now he's testing the strength of that tether by asking the studio behind his stateside remake of The Millenium Trilogy if he can use a topless photo of Rooney Mara as the international release poster. Uh, that's fine by me, don't get me wrong, I would actually pay for that poster (this coming from a guy who regularly steals from gift shop kiosks, like, every time he goes out), but in all seriousness it's not going to happen. He says in that case he'll release it on tehinternet simply for viral purposes. Fincher has serious balls to ask his studio if he can do that. Not even Jimmy Cameron could get away with that. Mainly because he'd be too busy staring at the poster and giggling 'Hehe, tits!'

Also, Rooney Mara is incredibly attractive to me, especially in Social Network,

it's funny, though. The first scene she is in she looks like a nerdy little college freshman, but literally five minutes later she looks 4 years older. Anybody care to explain that to me? Maybe it's just me. Is anybody there? Hello? Hel- oh, hai Garrett Storm.

but the way her eyebrows look in the pre-shoot pics of Dragon Tattoo makes me think Fincher is planning another Alien movie he's not telling us about.

Look, Rooney, we know how excited you are about the naked photoshoot, but WE'RE TRYING TO DO OUR JOBS.

Tuesday Beefy Beef

Have a look at this pile of bones.

You know what slightly agitates me? Read the thing above and see if you can guess. Movieweb does this sometimes, Movieweb being the vehicle that carried me into obsession-with-movies-land (the in flight movie was terriblelolol). Movieweb does this thing where it'll hype something up for you in the title, but then be totally and completely and utterly and creepily dissapointing. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

I'ts not complaining, it's Cinemerating. [befriends whale] [rides whale into sunset]

Now, about the article. Topic: new Batman movie. Status: interested. Reaction to reference to Anne Hathaway's physical appearence in a scanty clad: hightened, with slight tingles. Reaction to actual article: meh.

'She looks phenomenal'.- Wally Pfister.

Whatever happened to not being into the whole brevity thing, Pfist-meister?

Speaking of refrences to the Big Lebowski, here's something funny my good friends (who totally missed out on my party last night, guys! It was awesome wish you coulda been there) at FilmDrunk- linky McLinkerstein.

It's hard to believe anything Tara Reid says (I love you, for instance. Bitch.), but the prospect would be interesting to think about, if I wanted to ever think about it ever. What's incredible is that she still hangs on to a movie she had very little involvement in (ok, granted, Bunny is technically the driving force that gets everybody into trouble, kind of like Brad Pitt in True Romance, but Tara is no Brad Pitt, even though that would make her sexually attractive to me). Don't get me wrong, if I was in TBL for half a second, I'd profess the expreience to be a life changing one. But hey, maybe I was in the Big Lebowski. Hard to tell. The nineties was just a big coke haze for me.

In other news, the new superman was cast, but you all probably know that already. What's interesting about this news is that I care this means that Batman, Spiderman, and now Superman, the three benchposts of superhero movie superhero heros, are all British. What would our forefathers say? Would they be proud, supportive of this notion? Fuck if I know. Stupid question anyway. [breaks sunglasses] [buys new sunglasses]

Oh yes, attention internets- Tron Dog is out there, somewhere, waiting for you to find him so you can show him his way home. I don't know how he keeps getting into my photos, but then again, I don't know whether or not it's unsafe to eat raw jellyfish.

UPDATE- Pretty sure it doesn't matter.

It's a fucking showdog. With fucking papers.

Channing Tatum as Lando Lovelace or GTFO

There are some things about Hollywood that I love (explosions, David Fincher, breasts, to name a few) and, conversely, some things I do not love (Michael Bay, Jews).

Just kidding about that last part, I <3 Michael Bay.

And there are somethings I just cannot get enough of.

Q-How does this apply to anything I'm about to say?

A- It does not.

or

B- GTFO

or

C- It does not.

Still, I am fascinated by the idea of Hollywood. I'm not huge on gossip columns or the like I'M LYING but I am huge on finding humor in everything. I am also huge in general. There is, indeed, something about the film industry that leads me to believe that the Jews control everything it's all a big joke. You go to a bad movie and it's HA! GOTCHA! Or if you go to a good movie and then its over. Everything that has a beggining has an end.

Which leads me to the dream I had last night.

Last night I dreamt about the end of western society. Or, more specifically, the moment the west became the north, east and south. The moment I dreamt of was the beggining of the end, the start of a dystopia that would ultimatly control and dominate the world at large. My father was talking to me before it all went down, saying how whatever happens, he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. It wasn't until after the insurrection that I realized he was part of it from the start. He had given himself a position of power in a seemingly nefarious empire. It wasn't until after I woke that I realized why he did what he did- he did what he did because he had to. He did what he did because...it was what needed to be done.

And this is where it gets exciting.

He took my family to a theatre, a way to get things back to the way they used to be, and I noticed something- there was only one movie playing everywhere. Well, two movies.

Those two movies were the rumored Matrix sequels.

That was when I woke up because I just couldn't take it anymore. COME ON. I dream of a dystopian future where my dad is in the gestapo and the only movies they want to see are the next two Matricies.

I'm mad at myself for apparently not being creative enough to have at least ONE badass dream.

Anyway, I found out today that the rumor Keanu was working with the Wachowskis (who are both Jews) to helm two 3D sequels to the Matrix was total farce.

THANK GOD

BTW- see if you can spot any references to the matrix above- there are two.

Also, have you heard that they're already planning on releasing a TEASER FOR THE NEXT TRON OMFG? I mean sure, I thought tron was sweet but you can't just haphazardly dive into numero tres. Disney has finally realized that if you literally make a movie look cool and slather on special effects and put Jeff Bridges as the Cyberdude in charge of some alternate reality it'll make bank and garner a sequel. News to me.

My balls have quivered at this notion.

Oh and if you're wondering what the title has to do with this article, keep wondering.

Christopher Nolan Pulls a Wild Card!

It'd be a right foul cin'merator of me INdeed if I faile'd to cin'merate 'bout this here st'ory. 

Unless you're bin Laden, you've heard the most recent hubbub trailing around the internets at 500 interwebs per n00b: Christopher Nolan reveals another meager percentage of his cast for the next installment in his Batman movies.

Allegedly this will be the last of the Nolan movies, and I've heard that Aronofski is at the top of the list to pick it up after him, but for his sake I hope he doesn''t turn it into some kind of 'POV exravaganza', to use a word I've been known to use to describe something I can't describe.

The news...(spoken in Diane Krugers overtly sexual tone) is collosal. Anne Hathaway is catwoman and Tom Hardy is...dum dum duuuummmmm Bane. Bane....BAAAAANNNNEEEEE.

Now before I go any further I want to remind you all that Chirsopher Nolan has said, numerous times, that he didn't want to reuse any characters. Ahem...catwoman and bane are, needless to say, used. Not like there's anything wrong with that, I just think it might, on some level, be a cop out on Nolans part. Maybe he couldn't intelligently use fresh characters, but oh well. I'm not worried. The reason I'm not worried is that Nolan cast Maggie Gylenhaal (if there's one person in Hollywood who shouldn't be in movies ever its Maggie Gylenhaal. And then Kristen Stewart.) and still got away with it. Don't misunderstand, I think Hathaway has a great rack, I just don't want it to be like 'oh, catwoman is a drug addict' or 'oh, catwoman has cat-cancer' or 'oh, catwoman is the princess of Genovia' ('oh, catwoman is pregnant'). Like I said, I'm not worried because so far Nolan has been able to get away with a lot. Inception, for example, is the ideal example of a fucking awesome action movie with zero direction for the actors, and it works in the same way Kubricks movies worked. The director focuses on what's important for the movie, and the rest follows- albeit straggling. I would have preferred Marion Cotillard, who is a better, more seasoned actress with on-par breasts, as catwoman, but such is life.

Tom Hardy is the best choice for anything ever. I was getting used to the prospect of him as Dr. Strange, but Bane is just as good. I looked it up and apparently Bane isn't some kind of mindless henchman in the comics- I knew he broke Batmans back, but supposedly he's some kind of master criminal. Which is puuuuurrrrrfect. Bane is definitly a villain but I'm not quite sure what he'll do with Catwoman, because she was always back and forth with Wayne. Also, do we think Hardy is going to kill Bale? I don't think so. At all, actually. Although it has been going on the wire as a possibility. Time will tell...interwebs, away!

Movies to Watch OutFOR THAT TIRE

RUBBER

What's more terrifying than getting your head blown off? Getting your head blown off by a tire.

Magnolia Pictures is responsible for some pretty good movies (Worlds Fastest Indian, Color me Kubrick, The Great Buck Howard) and for some disgraceful pieces of trash that ain't fit to wipe the celluloid from my chest (World's Greatest Dad) (it's a real condition, ok?), and I'm not too keen on a company that distributed hippy shit like Food Inc (I LIKE cow urine in my apples, OK?), but Magnet releasing, which takes care of its off-the-track genre films, has since started churning out promising little nuggets, suck as this soon-to-be masterpiece, Rubber.

Apparently this is the second trailer for this movie and I say apparently with a snide tone of voice (watch your MOUTH) [beer bottle] [keep the change, you filthy animal].
What sounds better than a movie about a tire that comes to life and kills people. Is it supposed to be some kind of metaphorical retribution from something that we literally never pay more than a second of attention to? Some sort of...beattitudal homage? Is God to blame? All I know is that there's literally no way this is going to not be not not entertaining.

Breaking Dawn Summarized in one Picture

The Twilight franchise is not so easily packaged neatly into little tin cans of convenient phrases of summary. It's filled to the brim with a breakout of lesions all over my body performances, edge-of-your-seat to get the fuck out of the theatre camera work, cutting my wrist-edge direction, and visually stunning sequences that will blind you permanently.

Here is the picture to end all pictures, and let the mocking begin.

let's hope they drown

I don't understand how this picture is possible, because wouldn't it all just drain into Kristin Stewarts mouth? Just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you're also a vampire-fish.

Jimmy Cameron is actually suing this production for stealing his idea of filming shit underwater.

there is no second password!!!!

 

Jackass 3 Needs Your Support

Like my good friends over at FilmDrunk (who never seem to be available for some drinks or a game of monopoly of anything), I too am appalled I didn't recieve this personally.

It seems unreasonable, I know. Why would you leave the Cinemerator in the dust? Anyway, I've always been a big fan of 'For Your Consideration' accoutrement. A personal favorite [plays 'ssusudio' whilst banging two hookers].

I'm ashamed to admit it, but my dog might have contracted a venerial disease I've never gotten around to seeing Jackass 2, let alone 3. My memories of watching that beloved program at 2 in the morning (back when MTV had music) have yet to fade from my subconcious, however. Not to say they're becoming repressed memories. Hey, everybody's got problems, amirite? [banjo strum] [takes bite of apple]

Anyway [swallows], not like a give a hoot about the Oscars.

Check this out! Spidey 4 kissin by the bleachers!

moments after Garfield wipes his mouth 

All of my concerns about Stone dying her hair and Andrew Garfield pretending not to be embarrased by the homosexual undertones that are ever-present in the Spiderman storyline have been thrown to the wind, Zema water under the bridge. Emma Stone is two things- incredibly attractive, and my stalk-ee. Whether or not she is aware of these two facts is irrelevant.

I honestly don't know what to expect for this movie; all of the press releases have been unintentionally vague. I say 'unintentionally' because I don't think even they know where it's going. The only person who has the right to be vague in press releases is Christopher Nolan, and that's because people actually want to know what he does with his movies. Not to say there isn't considerable interest for Spidey 4, it's just, come on. Just tell us what the fuck is going on. There's supposed to be, like, 10 villains, or something. And Martin Sheen. wut?

Cinemeration is as Cinemeration Does

These 'movies', as it is sometimes called, are listed here. To be sure, a thing that is held close to the warm and pulsating bosom of Cinemeration is something to be treasured, not unlike a child, but very unlike a dog, or a 'canis familiaris', for you Latin lovers.

Frankly, this year has held some exuberant and surreptitious (or, if you're fond of candied sweets, 'syrup-ticious') films that were veiled by the dread hood of 'the independent vein'. No moving picture-goer should have to familiarize himself with the realm of the hipster! 

Not. At. All.

This is the time of year that calls for reflection and paying respect towards what made these 12 months so special. So buckle your seatbelt, you son of a bitch, because we're about to do some hard-core reflecting, asshole.

Quite so!

Trust me on this one- I'm not a fan of inter-racial relationships the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. I don't think that ceremony does anything else other than act as Sean Penn's Livejournal.

That being said, it's a game. The Oscars mean one thing- money. Obviously, but hey, people want Oscars. They give your movie a lot of attention. It's the attention game. There's a big group of children (hopeful oscar contenders) in front a big auditorium. Whoever raises his hand the highest and makes himself stick out the most will get picked to go up on stage. When they're on stage, they're given a pat on the back, or some candy, or something (a nomination). And the other kids pretend to be happy and applaud their classmates but all they're really doing is plotting how to get noticed more effectively next time. 

This doesn't necessarily apply to what I wanted to say about Black Swan. 

I didn't do a full on review of Black Swan because I don't really know what to say about it. It's really good, with excellent camera work and spot on direction. However, it's being tossed into the chaos that is the movies that came out this year, and I don't think it will get the attention it deserves. 

Ok, here it comes.

FACK YOU Black Swan. Stupid fucking limited release. I'm referencing both the theatrical run of the movie and how long I had to wait to finally masturbate to it. Here's the thing about Black Swan, and I guess about Natalie Portman in general. I'm in love with it. No, seriously. Black Swan really does it for me. I'm in love with Natalie Portman in a creepy way, and there's nothing she or I (or you, for that matter) can do about it. I want to be a stuffed animal in her room (no, I don't want to be a teddy bear just so I can get hugs) just so I can watch her. I'm thinking about how to effectively stalk her in a way that slightly resembles romantic comedy but at the same time screams romantic comedy. You know, not like dark alley nervous look start walking faster fog, you know, more like open air mall hiding behind sunglass rack picking out flowers accidently tripping over dachshund bright sunny day happily ever after type deal. 

Why, might you ask? 'Why?' I ask myself. She's too damn precious. And here's the kicker! She got knocked up by her choreographer! Whatever happened to not shitting where you ballet-dance, Natalie Portman? Come on, NP, he's probably a slimy frenchman who wants nothing more than to bring you down. Sure, get engaged, go ahead. I'll be there. And I won't let you be given away.

It's a very pretty and delicate movie, pretty much consistently. It's really well put together. Very neat use of camera contraptions and editing machines. Sure, she goes through some kind of spastic freako tranmorgification, but she's always going to be a sweet girl...shit. And now she's doing some kind of comedy thing with Ashton that looks terrible. It's bad enough he's in Nikon commercials and tweets more than the caged bird. 

JESUS CHRIST.

Inception is a really cool movie and will be embraced as such. Christopher Nolan does a great job, but in terms of competing, what counts more- improving upon contemporary style, or utilizing more modern techniques? What does something like the Academy (a shithouse) hold more dearly? Who cares? 

Anybody see The Town? Pretty fackin hahd movie. The Town would put all other competition in its REAHVIEW had it come out in some different year. Ben Affleck is a repulsive monster but when he directs a movie, he directs a movie. He just picked the wrong year to direct the movie. "Fuck you,' he might say in response.

True Grit was balls, and Jeff Bridges was the Dude in chaps. Not a lot of chicks in that movie.

What else?

I already talked about how awesome The Fighter was, and check this out- it doesn't really matter to a patron like you, assuming you haven't seen the movie, but Mark Wahlberg got a golden globe nomination. I have no idea why. Just wanted to put it out there. Does he have a dog?

I plan on seeing Kings Speech sometime soon. It looks awesome and is supposed to be feeeeee-nomenal. BRRRRAAAAHHHMMMM

This year has been awesome. Fiftieth time I've said that. I've still got places to go, movies to see, Cinemerations to Cinemerate, so I bid you adieu. 

Take a look at this shit-

Here is some more pictures.

Review: The Fighter

The Fighter is a really cool movie. That's the only way to describe it. I mean, that's a lot to be said about a movie about boxing starring Mark Wahlberg called 'The Fighter' set in Massachusetts. I don't know what I expected, going into that movie, but what I got out of it was not anything close to whatever I expected.
At first, you don't know what kind of genre it's going for. It opens up with a talking head type interview with Bale, so you think it's going to be a documentary-style type deal, but then you start seeing the cameras that are filming the doc and the people doing the interview so your expectations change. It isn't until the title shot that you see what you're in for. The Fighter is a movie documenting real life in a manner similar to a gritty documentary, but captures something in people that is unattainable by way of a documentary: it shows you what going on outside of the documentary and how the people react to it. Obviously, this isn't the entire movie. It's a boxing movie, clearly, and 'the best one I've ever seen. The scenes are classical in their presentation, effortless in their preparation, and decisive in their delivery.
Mark Wahlberg does his part. He's born into a family with, like, 8 sisters that act, as my brother eloquently put it, a 'Greek chorus of Massholes'. Wahlberg downy really do authoring outstanding in the movie other than act of the impedice of the supporting characters conflict. The real story lies with the supporting arc, which is a rare find in today's cinema. Amy Adams is his love interest that fights for him as well as for herself. She's a college dropout searching for something, someone, and the viewer is lost in her journey of self discovery, Melissa Leo plays the spiteful, venomous mother who treats her children like a bear would treat her cubs. Shea really awesome and it's sad that her performance nay be overlooked in the long run. I say overlooked because Christian Bale is by far the best part of the movie. He plays a crack addict who believes that the documentary crew that follows him around is documenting his comeback into the boxing scene, instead of his crack addiction. Ok, here it comes, I'm going to say it- Bale gives a knockout performance. Bam. There it is. This movie is Oscar gold, and would be more bankable had it been released earlier in the decade, where it won't be outshined by the other amazing films that will cast a shadow over it. This movie will not win best picture or best director but that doesn't mean it doesn't deserve attention and respect. It's a really, really great movie that has a specific arc that is easy and fun to follow. It's fun to watch, and that's hard to say about most sports movies.
Anyway, best picture aside, Bale is going to get an Oscar. That's just the bottom line. See the movie, and you'll know right away that this is his movie.
Ok, specifically, the movies cinematography is what makes it so watchable. It's just some guys with a camera enjoying what they're doing. You can tell they care about what they're filming. Very delicate, intensive, character driven, very bankable. Deeeeelicious! And good for you too.
So what is there not to like about this movie...not a lot. I guess the movie draws thin around the end. A bunch of critics have said that the movie 'just ends', but whatever. It is what it is, and it is great. See it in theatres.


I award The Fighter four out of four squirts.

Spielberg, Lucas, Indy, Cinemeration.

They're making another Indiana Jones movie, working title 'Indy 500: a day at the races', but that's old news. New news is that Spielberg is killing off Indiana jones at some point during the movie. 'lolwut?', I pondered. To what need? To what...end? End? Bend? Send? Pretend? That's it...pretend. Pretenderific, as it where. Where am I?
Anyhow, Indiana Jones.
Indiana Jones is a benchpost of American cinema, and of movies about heroes in general. Friendly, wholesome, good for the whole family tree. Action packed but totally sensical. Phantasmagoric. Rich with flavor, packed with fiber. Raiders got a best picture nom (nom nom nom), and Sean Connery originally didn't want to play Henry Jones, Sr., because he is only 12 years older than Harrison Ford and did not think it would look realistic. 'you're an old codger, you're doing it,' Lucas most likely proclaimed. Speaking of, I like how the film industry treats Connery as a cinematic icon that died 15 years ago when he is in fact living life to the fullest in the south of France with beautiful women fanning him with palms in his vineyard that he probably owns slaves on. True story, as a point of fact.
Now that I've touched on Lucas, here's the rub- the reason I'm not upset is two-fold. I'm not upset that they're making another Indy nor am I upset that they plan to kill him off for one reason (ok, so it's one-fold)- Spielberg insisted on both. Sure, Lucas will hop on board the gravy train that he calls the Indiana jones franchise, but Spielberg has his own plans. See, it was Lucas who wanted to do more indys. He of course got Spielberg to direct and even though he (Spielberg) had a good idea for the movie (something about a haunted house, anything is better than aliens), Lucas thought it would be a good idea to have Shia swing around on vines and aliens create a new niagara falls. Spielberg did it for one reason- he cares about Indiana jones and he cares what happens to the franchise he had a hand an foot in creating. Lucas wants attention and fame, and any press is bad press.
Lucas has no penis and is a woman. It needs to be said. The guy thought up star wars, whoop de doo. He's an idiot savant. He's the dude who made the star wars universe but dig this- he thinks empire strikes back is the worst in the series and forobviousreasons- he didn't direct it. He insisted on the happy ending for return of the Jedi because he didn't want merchandise sales to drop (in the original ending Han solo gets killed, the alliance is in tatters and the empire is recovering quickly, with Luke walking off like the lone cowboy. This is the guy who made the prequel movies kid friendly. This is the guy who cast Hayden Christiansen as anakin skywalker. This is the guy who decided to reboot the Indiana jones franchise because he thought he could squeeze more money and attention from it. The movie isn't horrible, but it is undoubtedly the worst in the franchise, and now he's making another one. That's the thing with Lucas- he gets what he wants. But Spielberg hashed creative control than he thinks- and he is doing the right thing by killing off Indiana jones. He's cutting the cord permanently- sure, Lucas, take Shia labauf. Make a new franchise. But Indiana jones is mine and will always be mine. Sure, whatever, Lucas had a big hand in making him what Indy is, but he is surely also destroying him from the inside. He's not good for the franchise, and everybody knows it. See, everybody in the film community hates Lucas the same way the scientific community hated Edison- Edison didn't invent the light bulb- a think rant did. Edison had the idea- let's make light, but other people made it happen. The same thing happened with industrial light and magic- Lucas had the idea of the star wars plan, but hundreds of technicians made it possible. It's total McCarthyism- you can't say anything about Lucas because he has so much clout. You can't tear down Lucas? He eventually collapses upon himself, in good time. He'll one day meet his end, and I feel that day coming soon. Very soon. Hopefully soon. Noon. Toon. Dubloon. Dublin. The united kingdom. Good morning!

Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom

TWENNY-ELEBIN NOM

So the Hollywood Foreign Press is at it again with these Golden Globe nominations, which included Johnny Depp, twice, one for dancing like he's on magic cocaine, and another for trying not to stare at Angelina Jolies tattoos.
 The kings speech is up for sebbin globes, and is up against inception, black swan and social network for BP-D. As for Best Picture Comedy, that's a laugh in and of itself. Kids are all right is going to have to hold its ground against Burlesque and Alice in Wonderland, with The Tourist trailing close behind. As a walrus friend of mine once said, 'stop following me there's a fine line between something being good and deserving of awards and the HFP needing to suck as much juice out of the cesspool of Hollywood as they can.' Obviously there weren't as many good Comedies/ Musicals as there were Dramas this year, because as I said, this has been an all around bankable year. BP-D is going to be a very very close race, because everything looks awesome. My desire is for Social Network to win everything, but it has some competition. Social Network was by far the best movie of the year, but the HFP has dicks to suck, so we'll have to see. Did that rhyme? No, no it did not. Nat Port just may win best actress just because she's all 'up in coming' and whatnot, but it will be close with Jennifer Lawrence and Nicole Kidman. I would have sex with all three of these women except for Nicole Kidman. I'd be afraid she'd hurt me. I want either Jesse Eisenberg or Franco to win best actor but they're up against Colin Firth who will probably win, so that's going to be close too.
I want to just watch an award ceremony and enjoy it, and I have a feeling I will enjoy watching the Globes but not enjoy the outcomes. It's kind of like going to the zoo- you want to see the animals, but in the end, all you did was stare at animals all day and you probably need to pee.