Review: Saw 3D

Going to the movies is in and of itself an experience. I know I've probably said this quote before, but I'll quote it again, just because it's so darn quotable. I went to the movies with my eldest brother David Lloyd not too long ago, and on the way to the theatre, we saw a poster for a film that didn't look very promising. Asked my brother, 'You think you're gonna see that? [chuckle]', said he, 'Yes.' I was confused, and said to him- 'But the movie looks like shit.' 'Yeah, maybe so,' he replied, 'but if I have at least 5% interest in seeing a movie in theaters, I'll see it.' 'Why?' 'Because I love going to the movies.'

I never forgot that. Most people go to the movies for the same reason they've been going to the movies since the beginning, but few people, and I stand by this thinking, actually go to the movies just because. I'm one of those few, and I can safely say that I love going to the movies because I love the experience. Don't get me wrong, more often than not I'm going to see a movie that I really want to see, but that doesn't mean I'm not appreciating every second of the experience.

Saw 3D was, excuse me for a second, [bites lip] an experience. First of all, I have to explain the theatre I went to. I usually go to the theatre that's closest to my old house but this time I had to go to one farther away because it was the only showing I could make, and I was seeing it with a friend. Going to the different theatre was like walking into a Saw trap. I got lost literally ten times on the way to buy the tickets. I got lost in the bathroom. Seriously- I went through the door that said 'mens room' and went out a door that flushed me somewhere on the other side of the theatre. It took me a full five minutes to find the entrance I originally went through, and I was very shaken because of it. So, being thoroughly shaken, I went into the theatre. Here's what happened next, but first, something else.

I'm very against 3D. I think it's useless and I'm not ashamed to say that most critics agree with me. On the whole it doesn't add anything to a movie; it's at best a distraction, and it's a waste of a few dollars that you'll have to throw in on top of an already expensive normal movie ticket. But, I have to admit, there are movies that are meant to see in 3D. Avatar, for instance, was obviously meant to be seen in 3D because of Michelle Rodriguez's beaming nipples. Saw 3D was shot in 3D so clearly it was meant to be seen in 3D. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you (I'm standing), I had a good time. The experience I had was, on the whole, very entertaining. I'll get into the actual movie in a second, but before I do, I want to speak to the fact that I had a reasonably good time. Compared to something that tries to be amazing and thinks it's amazing but really isn't, this movie is a real treat. It doesn't try to be anything more than what it is- a shitty blood bath in 3D. This is a movie that is meant to be fun, and it is.

As far as story goes, here's a movie that, to make sense, you have to literally memorize the previous six movies. There are so many characters, so many plot lines, so little time. The story is hilariously complicated. Instead of people sitting down and thinking of ways they could make it end cohesively, they were put in a Saw trap and had five minutes to think up an ending. This movie is gorier and more brutal than the previous Saw movies, and twice as kneeslappingly funny. The dialogue- hilarious. There's one trap where if the person screams sharp pipes plunge into their neck, and in the meantime another person needs to pull a fishhook from out the person who can't scream's stomach, and the person who can't scream obviously screams and gets pipe plunged, and the other person yells, 'ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SHUT THE FUCK UP!' Classic high comedy! A romp for the whole family if I've ever seen one.

I don't have anything to say about cinematography. There's nothing of note. I can say that the movie could have used more stunts and less corn syrup. A very uneven balance, but that's to be expected. The editing? Marvelous. What can I say? A monkey could have edited this movie.

See, the point the Saw movies are trying to make is that when people are put into these life or death situations, they see their life from a distance and, if they survive, they emerge 'cured'. This is a concept that Saw 3D milks until the cow is dried to dust. There are even support groups in the movie for people who have survived the traps, and every one of them stands by the fact that they were cured. What is this supposed to say about society? That we're all inherently violent and evil? We're all animalistic? We all...drink the same milk? I'm confusing myself. The movie is very confusing, but there it is. The producers of Saw have always said that they'll keep making these movies until they stop making money, and that's a sensible business plan if I've ever heard one. Why not make millions off of movies that haven't needed more than $12 million per picture until now? It just makes sense. But like I was saying, they needed to wrap it up because this is allegedly the last chapter, so a lot of stuff got lost in the mix. And by a lot of stuff, I mean everything. But who cares? Nobody reads Playboy for the articles, and nobody goes to a Saw movie for the gripping storytelling. You want to see people get sawed in half, and you're satisfied by the end of Saw 3D.

All told, this movie is worth your dollar. I've seen every Saw movie in theatres out of a tradition I have with a friend of mine, and I can say that this is the most enjoyable one since the first. Think wisely before spending your dough, though, Joe. This is a ridiculously horrible horror movie, but the experience of seeing it in theatres makes it worth it. 

I award Saw 3D one and a half out of four squirts.