Why are you making that face? Has it really been that long, or are you exaggerating just for the sake of exaggerating? Listen, if you don't like the way I work, then I think we better just go our separate ways. One more Cinemeration, for old times sake? There's my girl.
There's this new movie coming out in '11 (or as I like to call it, 'Oh-eleven') called Red State, and it's going to be about some people stumbling upon some kind of evangelical born-again fanatical fantastical fundamentalist community whose only concern is taking down the blacks and the gays and all those other sinners, or something like that. Religious statement? Nah, this movie'll be a puff piece. Why? Director.
Kevin Smith, for all those who are unaware [glasses], is the guy who directed Chasing Amy (which I haven't seen but have heard it's awesome), Dogma, Zack and Miri, Clerks, and its much funnier sequel Clerks 2. He is also the man behind Jersey Girl, which is a motion picture event for the whole family, and includes Ben Affleck singing Sweeney Todd raight from da haat, ya know, cause he's such a wuhkah. Fuck da yankees- go sawx.
Anyway, Red State. You can check out the whole story heuh. The thing is, it's going to be a horror movie, and Smith has only so far attempted to make made comedies. Confidence? Lacking. Anyway, the big to-do about it is that Smith got a cut of the movie ready for the cast to see by their wrap party, and that has never happened before. They're attesting it to the fact that Smith shot and edited this movie himself, but I believe that it's because he's a cinematic genius (hint- I don't like Kevin Smith). The real deal is, people, that he's a hahd wuhkah (did I make that joke already? Jesus, I'm rusty). I can just picture it all in my head.
Kevin Smith- This movie...will be my masterpiece.
knock on the door
Kevin Smith- Enter.
enter Man
Man- Hey, Kev, listen...Do you need anything? Anything other than those slabs of milk chocolate you've been eating?
Kevin Smith- It is...nearly complete.
Man- Look, Kevin, you've been in here for days. We've got over a year until the release date. You can stop editing, for Christ sake.
Kevin Smith- Why do you disturb me? Are you trying to see it before it is complete? No, it isn't finished...not yet.
Man- Look, they told me to come in here and check on you. Are you sure you're ok? Do you need anything.
pause
Kevin Smith- Biscuits.
Man- Biscuits? You want me to get you biscuits?
pause
Man- Any kind of biscuits in particular? Just... biscuits?
Kevin Smith- Yes, and be quick about it.
Man- Alright, man, you're the boss.
Man goes to leave
inaudible noise
Man- Did you say something?
Kevin Smith- Do not fail me again.
Gosh, can't you see it? They're praising it as a cinematic first but who gives a hoot? [honk] He said final cut is 92 minutes. Yeah, 92 minutes of steady cam in a church, whoop-de-doo. Cut and paste There Will Be Blood in less than one year and then come talk to me. Cinematic first. I've got friends in the cinema department (or as I like to call them, my 'friends in low places' (just kidding, guys, you know I love you)) who could have done that in half the time Smith did it in, mainly because they wouldn't spend half the time eating KFC.
If you've ever seen an interview with Kevin Smith you'd see what I mean. It's just the way he carries himself, the way he talks about movies. He's super pretentious and thinks waaay too highly of himself. He gives himself a lot of credit that he doesn't deserve. He kind of acts like he's a pioneer on the frontier of cinema but in reality he's just some fat dude who puts himself in his own movies.
Alright, I'm being a little harsh. Probably because I haven't cinemerated in a while, but who knows. I don't really like Kevin Smith but he's not that bad of a director, especially when compared to the handi-wipes that waste millions on crappy movies they have in Hollywood today. Dogma and the Clerks movies are pretty good, I just think the direction is slightly dickish. I'll give him a break, though, because Red State does sound pretty interesting, but then again, so does the idea of tripping on acid in a waterpark. Dangerous, yes, but wouldn't that be sweet?
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