Saoirse Ronan is old enough to make out in trailers now

Saoirse Ronan, pronounced 'Peter Jackson's High School Science Project', is going to star in an upcoming movie... how expected. She's clearly on the verge of something close to being attractive. Is the reason I'm back. The movie she's in is The Host, directed by this guy. First off, look at this poster. This soon to be classic is from the mind of the woman who came up with Twilight. I honestly don't think anything more needs to be said. The trailer can be found...well, you don't need to see the trailer. Look it up. Am I advertising this movie too enthusiatically?

Lars von Trier

Lars von Trier.

I’d like to say how much I enjoyed your movies. Breaking the Waves is perhaps one of the most intensely personal film I’ve ever seen, followed closely by Antichrist, and now that I’ve seen Melancholia, I’ve been convinced to write you. I know that when I say ‘that I’ve ever seen’, that may not mean much to a personality like yourself, who has witnessed the production of films on a level many people like myself will never experience. I often think about what I would say to you if I ever met you. If I ever ran into you, what could I say? I might say the first thing that comes to my head, which would more than likely be something in the ballpark of ‘I don’t know what the hell to say, man! I have so many questions.’ Well, it’s true, I have many questions, and like so much in life, most of them will never be answered. I’d be happy, as would most of the rest of humanity, to take it in stride- to take it with as much salt as I can. Life is a cacophony of unanswered questions, but I’d like to think that if I knew everything I wanted to know, I’d realize that I’m already dead. Not to sound overly dramatic, but I think I get a glimpse of the afterlife when I watch your movies. It’s refreshing, to watch something made by someone who understands what it’s like to have so many questions, but knowing that they’ll never be answered, and be OK with it. You sir, create films that are the embodiment of the human condition. Because of this, I won’t ask you any questions. I’d only like to say thank you, and that my interest in the art you create will never waver, so long as the man behind the camera remains as devoted as you’ve been.

With sincerity-

James P McDonald

A fellow, in time of redemption and plastering. An essay

I'm at a bar in Lebo currently reflecting on my place in life, and have you seen the hobbit trailer? I really hope you have be ause if you haven't, then what are you doing here? This isnt a first grade blog. And by first grade, I mean before primary school. And if you don't understand 'first grade', then you're clearly a Saudi Arabian viewer in which case, what are you doing here? This isn't first grade.
Anyway, at the prompting of a certain Messer Garreth Storme, who is in fact a homosexual, I've been enthused to produce what the layman may call a cinemeration, which is known to be intelligible only to those who are eligible to interpret its intelligibility.

Back to the hobbit

I'm currently at the mercy of apple products which means I'm handicapped by the limits of not having photoshop but if you've visited my site you know my feelings towards this motione picture-e. seriously watch the trailer, it'll be a year before it comes out, and Jackson, are you kidding me? Rule of thumb, you god damn Brit or Australian or new zealanderian or whatever the heck in speck you are, please. NO DIAGONALS. The poster is all about the diagonals! I remember my first beer too, Pete, and it went over a hell of a lot better than your marketing campaign. And the trailer? Really? I'm all about the hobbit. But please, give me something other than a plain, over-pleated trailer all based off of the point at which a nerd climaxes. I like Martin freeman, but please, give me something other than the first 2 takes of a shot you probably used solely for the trailer. Remember the first release trailer for ROTK? Remember how many socks had to be thrown in the trash because of it? My first beer was a lot more enjoyable.


Anyhow, it's good to be back. I graduated college so hopefully that'll reverberate into my real life. On blogger. Man, that beer was great. Well, I'm gonna see MI4 over the holidays because holy fuck does it look good. Other than that, good to be back, and anybody else who has a gripe with me, please, add me on Facebook. Please. It's not funny if you don't.

Snaggletooth is the subject.

Some wonderful things happened last week, and I'm not just talking about the floods and tornadoes. No, I'm referring to the festivities over at da souf uh France, in the humble farming village of Cannes, where every year self-promoting celebrities roll in to gawk over themselves and eat cocaine through their nostrils. After all the pomp and circumstance, the winners were revealed. The Tree of Life, Terrence Malicks 40-years-in-the-making epic about trees that are alive (wut?) that he entrusted to Sean Penn took home the palme D'or, the equivalent to best picture, and Kirsten Dunst took home the best actress prize for Lars von Trier's Melancholia, the only movie at Cannes I actually want to see. Von Trier got into some trouble last week, and here's why:

In response to a question about his Germanic roots, Von Trier set off on a long and twisted answer that, if this were America, not Cannes, would have meant career suicide.
“For a long time I thought I was a Jew and I was happy to be a Jew,” he began, “then I  met (Danish and Jewish director) Susanne Bier and I wasn’t so happy. But then I found out I was actually a Nazi. My family were German. And that also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler…I sympathize with him a bit.”
Von Trier qualified that “I don’t mean I’m in favor of World War II and I’m not against Jews, not even Susanne Bier” before digging himself deeper. “In fact I’m very much in favor of them. All Jews. Well, Israel is a pain in the ass but…”
As Melancholia stars Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg, sitting on either side of Von Trier, stared at him agog, the director paused.
“Now how can I get out of this sentence? Ok. I’m a Nazi.”- HollywoodReporter

Von Trier later apologized for making these comments because despite the fact that he is a conceited Dane, he realizes that not everyone shares his sense of humor. However, because the French are French, Lars von Trier, one of the only true autuers in a festival established to honor autuers, was banned from Cannes for life. He's an idiot for saying these things, to be sure, and Cannes has the right to call him out on being an idiot, but I think banning him from the festival is a little extreme. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want Lars von Trier at my film festival just because I don't think I could handle all of that emo poon (I'd need Garrett Storm to back me up). It was a questionable move, but a move nonetheless. They screened Melancholia anyway, and Dunst took home the same award Charlotte Gainsbourg took home a few years back for Antichrist. On her way out of the ceremony, Dunst had this to say:

I'm all for standing by your opinion, but this is the equivalent of tattling. Why Dunst would say this about the director who gave her a hugely prestigious award is another Hollywood dogma. Yeah, he was an idiot, but you're making an equally idiotic comment by stepping on his grave. Jesus, has this been a shitty week. Von Trier banned from Cannes, a Sean Penn movie wins the Palme, Dunst is still alive, and have you heard about those floods and tornadoes? Just awful.

Review: The Roommate

Welcome to LA- where the sun rises 200 times faster than any other place in the world, and everyone looks up at the incredible buildings and how they reflect off of one another. A perfect day to start college, wouldn't you say? Enter Sarah Matthews, 30 18, straight off the boat from Des Moines, and ready to start her life as a freshman at the University of Los Angeles, a school where love coincides with each spiked cup of punch at every frat party on campus. Gracefully weaving between the ultimate frisbee players on the quad, she registers for her room and unpacks within the first 35 seconds. No waiting in lines for this run of the mill college beauty, no sir! During the next 90 seconds, she makes friends with the two hardiest party chicks on campus, gets wasty at a frat party, and becomes the love interest of the drummer of the band playing at the frat house- this guy:

Easy, baby. Let Ruffles McBrow soothe your roofie.

Yes, things are certainly looking up for Ms. Matthews, a design major holding the apple of the fashion teachers hugely metrosexual eye in the palm of her breast, this guy:

Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool guy..

Oh yeah. Billy Zane is in this movie and we haven't even passed the 5 minute mark yet. It isn't until we meet Sarah's roommate, an LA native who seems like she has something to hide. But Sarah is too wrapped up in her awesome first half hour of college to give two cares to anything like that. But her roommate is hiding something, a secret so deadly not even the fluffiest Billy Zane ascot can comprehend.

So yeah, I saw The Roommate. I'm not going to tell you what happens because I don't want any more goddam angry e-mails talking about how I'm spoiling movies. Normally I'd say that a movie like The Roommate is 'already spoiled' and thenhave a laugh and jump up and down and eat a slice of bonoffee pie (I've been in Europe too long), but this time it's different [dons shades] [gives dog matching shades].

I'm actually very surprised that The Roommate has a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, because by all rights, this movie really isn't that bad. Please, don't misunderstand, this isn't classic that wll be discussed and dissected by mangy film students for the next twenty-odd years, but I wasn't necessarily un-entertained. How can I deny ascot Billy Zane? Bitches goin' crazy up in this movie.

Granted, the characters are as developed as a kid with down syndrome’s brain, but that doesn’t make the movie any less entertaining. I think reviewers are too preoccupied with the ridiculous script and horrifyingly dull characters to realize that you don’t have to ‘like’ a character to enjoy watching them in turmoil. The idea of everything going wrong with this girl Sarah Matthews, a totally unrelatable chick who has literally everything makes me like this movie. You can’t relate to Sarah Matthews because she is living a totally overblown college life. Nobody makes friends that fast, nobody gets into classes that quickly, and NOBODY (myself very much included) EVER gets their room situation figured out that quickly. You don’t go up to the counter, say your name, and get your room. No. You wait in line for forty five minutes, wait as the girl from student services who sucks at her job to find your name, wander around the hall for an hour trying to find your room, and then get your room. But you don’t unpack yet, because you haven’t eaten in twelve hours because the process is taking so long, so you go find some food. You get lost, spend too much money, and by 10 oclock at night you maybe try to start unpacking but you’re too tired by then. Maybe I’m just a little vindictive when it comes to college life, but hey, I’m in college. Oh, and nobody takes a cab to their school. Bitch.  

Anyway one of the things I actually did like in this movie is the camera work. I have a feeling that cheesy horror movies like this tend to get whatever film school cinematographer recently hopped off the boat in LA to shoot their movie, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because film students tend to make decent pictures if you give them the chance. It’s ametueristic, to be certain, but it still has its charm.

Again, I really don’t know why this movie doesn’t have at least somewhere in the 30’s on rotten, because I have seen much much MUCH worse movies in my time with significantly higher aggregated scores. I honestly think it’s because reviews hate it even before they see it. I mean, PEOPLE liked this movie, and that’s obvious because it made twice as much as it took to make it.

I hereby bestow The Roommate 2 out of 4 squirts. Stay classy, Billy Zane.

Abduction trailer is mind-blowingly hilarious

My, I did indeed fan myself profusely after watching the release trailer for Abduction. First off, I must say that as a Pittsburgher from way back I need to impress the importance of Hollywood filming their new fangled teen-dream pictures in Pittsburgh. It's a pretty big dealthat Pittsburgh is getting all the attention, and it should get even more interesting after Dark Knight Rises completes principle photography in a thousand years. Pittsburgh is the originator of 'a good town'- it has everything. Buildings, people, three (count em', THREE!) rivers, a bustling business scene, and a strip club that Nick Nolte wole-heartedly reccomends. Yeah, it's a great place to hang your hat. As I briefly mentioned before, a by-product of Hollywood coming to Pittsburgh is the inevitable preliminary stage of shitty movies being made. Case in point- Abduction. I actually had the esteemed privelage to infiltrate visit the set and see if I could steal some of Taylor Lautner's blood sneak a peak on some of dat action, and got kicked out for carrying a camera. Also for infiltrating.

It's a pretty funny story as a matter of fact- it was being filmed in my best friends neighborhood, my old stomping ground called Virginia Manor, and after being totally thrown into a state of dissalusionment after being swept away into the great abyss of literally hundreds of tween-age girls, we decided to take the back way to his house, which turned out to be a big mistake because we were chased and eventually run down by three sec gurds and six (count em', SIX!) cops, so I never got my hands on any of the hearthrobs blood, but you know me, get right back on that horse.

Can you blame me? I hate Taylor Lautner with every fiber of my genius level brain and every cell of my son of the Gods sculpted forme, but I'm not about to miss out on some Sig Weave and Al Molina action. Needless to say I didn't see anybody except the tail end of a train of young ladies, but I'd do it again. And again. And again. And again.

Bottom line, folks- the trailer is absolutely not to be missed. It includes some treasures from action movie past, with such standards as...
'I've got something you need to see.'
'We've got 36 hours to find this kid.'
'Suddenly everyone around me is dying.'
'What's my real name!'
'Who are these people?!'
'They can't be trusted' (those two came right after each other)
'Not if I find you first...'
With
'You have something that belongs to me.'
And the ever classic-
'Trust me.'
Apart from being the worst actor who has ever been on screen, Taylor Lautner...Um...uh...oh, I learned how to take a screenshot so enjoy the following!

Spotted: Tarantino's Coke Wizard

A funny thing about Tarantino is the crowd he hangs out with. Tarantino's the kind of guy who only associates himself with people who are obsessed with him, and it really isn't that hard to find 400+ people who love Tarantino to work on one of his movies. The link coming up is pretty funny on its own- the woman who does the 'clapping' is a pretty stereotypical Tarantinite: vulgar, mid-thirties, coked up, and French. She's the kind of woman who everybody sees at one of Quentin's wrap parties, right next to the legendary white wizard of Tarantino. I was rambling through the internets when I came across the video, and shat myself when I saw the wizard. I hope you enjoy.

A Cinemeration exclusive.